Night Shift reflection. What teh future might hold

After playing football withe the lads last night, I felt a bit of discomfort round the left side of my rib cage. I did tumble over at one point during the kick about and maybe I've bruised my rib cage. However, I have felt this before and I wonder if its a result of stress, due to being so wound up on Monday. Maybe its a muscle spasm.

So Tuesday (now yesterday) was my first day back at college for counselling level 2. I enjoyed meeting some new folk and catching up with one or two who were on level 1 with me last term. We have a different tutor this time who has a very different style of teaching. The learning is going to be more intense, but in some ways, I welcomed this because its given me a different focus. I wasn't too happy about coming to work tonight, which kinda confirms my feelings about possibly moving on. I sense my attitude changing towards the clients, so its important not to let that continue to fester and cause problems. Believe me, I've seen it happen to other staff here who have now gone. I know I need a new focus to "re-light my fire" (ooer) that sounds like a dubious intro to a song LOL.

I got another scribbling to share. Before I started writing this one I had a lot of thoughts cascading in, but by the time I got to the PC, it kinda lost its way. Still, here it is.....

LOVE in a child’s eyes

I can remember, even as a small boy. I can remember at about age 7 or 8 getting that tingling feeling seeing a pretty girl in the school yard and wanting to kiss her or hold her hand. At that age we are more impulsive (at least I was) and would smile and try to embrace. Gosh, I can remember getting hurt back then (not being an attractive child... or maybe that’s just how I saw myself). To see a girls eyes shine with excitement and then darken when they looked at me really destroyed my confidence. Looking back, that childhood love (and yes, I think you can call it love) was so pure and not mixed up with other urges that occur in adolescence. By the time I got to about age 10, I did have a girlfriend. In fact I had 2 at the same time who were friends. I’d have one on each arm! I knew there were jealousies and tried to drop one or other. Trouble was I’d end up feeling sorry for the one I said no to and just kept both!

I went to an all boys secondary school at age 11. Girls were like the sweets jar on the top shelf that I couldn’t reach and was too afraid to climb up to get. Not only that, most other lads didn’t seem to have an interest, so I thought I was a bit odd for still having those “love” feelings. My confidence was low. I was small and immature for my age but those desires for that simple love still remained. I became frustrated that I couldn’t get a girlfriend in later teenage years when others could. I thought all girls hated me, especially the pretty ones. I can remember my first job out of school at 16 working in a sweet shop. I walked into the cloak room and a working (who also worked there) was brushing her hair. I felt intrusive and apologized and she said “Oh, its ok, don’t worry”. It shocked me that this girl had been kind and friendly. I guess that was the state of my mind back then. In fact, it took till age 19 before I first got a proper date and that was with a girl of 25!

My video share tonight has great meaning to me. I rarely listen to lyrics in songs. They usually pass me by as I connect more with the sound of the music. When I first heard this, it struck me straight away. Really appropriate for world events right now. On a personal level, it reminds me of the time I first came to work here at The Lighthouse Project. On this occasion, the lyrics jumped straight out coz they are gritty and real and reminds me of what my faith means to me. Now THIS is prayer! Oh... errr. the video is a touch anti American, not as balanced as I'd have preferred, but still, its a great song...

Comments

(16 total)

I love that song to Marty! It speaks so many truths it isn't funny! And you know what, sometimes the truth hurts!

I am still tripping over your romeo youngster days! LOL! I think my oldest is going to be the exact same way, but I sure hope the girls are not mean to him in middle school or mom is going to have to open a can of whoop a** on them! LOL! Hugs to you!

Tuesday 12 September 2006 - 10:09PM (CDT)

Thats a cracking video and song Andy, I dont think its so much anti american more anti hate written from the point of view of a group of americans. Black eyed pea's can be a good group (for that style of music) but they do insist on doing some not such meaningful stuff dont they "my hump my hump my lovely lady lump" for gods sake (mind you Fergie does have some very nice lumps and humps) sorry thats the male in me escaping again. I can just see you as a teeny don juan lol.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 09:33AM (BST)

OMG sorry Marty, MARTY not Andy, I so appologise, grovel grovel.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 09:34AM (BST)

I always like the pictures you post! I like the song too.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 01:37PM (EEST)

Marty, it was a little bit like that for me too. Had a girlfriend when I was a pre-teen, but then went for several years in my teens not having a single girlfriend!! It became very frustrating!!. My first serious girlfriend didn't come along until I was seventeen.
Good song and very good vid. Some powerful images and lyrics. By the way, I put a song on my blog for you. I found it while looking for another song. It just reminded me of the uncertainty and confusion you have been feeling lately and all the support you get from your friends here on 360. Cheers matey.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 01:07PM (BST)

Hey Marty I'm glad things a little more settled with you....I think it's good that you recognise the signs that a change may be in order that your focuses may be better placed in a different direction...so many people don't see it (or chose to ignore it) but it doesn't work out for the best as I'm sure you've seen with others you say have had let things fester...so good for you for being in touch with yourself on this one...and whatever you decide, be happy in the knowledge that it will benefit you as well as others.
Most importantly remember yourself.... you are important, guess we have both got the same affliction when it comes to that...giving out to others and forgetting ourselves...I purposely take time to stop and remember "me"..don't forget to do the same.

Right to the scribbling.... I thank you for this Marty as I felt exactly the same as a child and I always thought there was something wrong with me! I had my first love (and I too believe it was love in its purest form) when i was six and it lasted until he moved away when i was nine...it was the best relationship I've had!! every time I saw him I was giddy with excitement, just to see him smile made my entire day...funny how when we get older all sorts of other feelings and physical expectations get in the way of that pure love we can have as children.
I didn't have much luck as I was in secondary school myself..as I was overweight and geekish to say the least, (I think I looked like a boy!)It does knock your confidence when perceptions of yourself only seem to be realised by the responses and reactions of others.
You obviously have such a pure heart Marty, a rare thing to find, or so my experience has been.
You don't show hesistance to share your love it pleases me that you can be confident in speaking your love for your friends here on 360..... something that probably comes easier to me as being female society allows us these "quirks". I love you for that honesty and confidence to share your love and am glad to be your friend.

The video was brilliant...I love this song and the video was very powerful, really moving...

A fantastic blog today Marty and a little more insight into you with the scribbling..Thank you again for sharing. Big hugs to you.xxx

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 01:19PM (BST)

Sorry didn't realise I babbled on so much there Marty...lol!!!xx

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 01:20PM (BST)

Hey marty? Great video. Well... I had 5 brothers so boys didn't come near me!! HA HA, yes. Your writing is so true. We all found love at a early age. My first love I was 15 years old. He was so... sexly and hot? My brothers made it hard for me. So we were just friends. Later in life I married that Hot thing!!! 15 years running. I had the love for him at 10 years old??? That's for your friendship. Ruth(peanut)

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 10:19AM (ADT)

An amazing video share Marty. I shall have to blast this one so that more people can get to see it.

Adolescence was a difficult time for me as well. I went to an all boys school till 9th grade, so my first stirrings were around that time. I was also gawky and uncomfortable with myself. Even after I came to the States in 1983, I stayed quiet and in the background, never ever telling people if I was attracted to them.

Sad thing is that there were two particular cases where I met them years later and they said they would have been interested at the time!

Oh well. Live and learn. Off to read your short story entry now.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 11:55AM (EDT)

Marvelous post/video Marty...Thanks for sharing

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 09:34PM (IST)

Wow my lovely you are all out there right now - brave you! Adolescence can be a sh*t time for some kids and wonderful for others - so it goes..I was struck by the choice of song and your desire to express love on a world-wide scale - whilst at the same time noticing that you were talking about the time you joined the Project and were working with kids who missed out on love on a local scale - as do I in a kind of way. The inheritance of a victorian era I am sure...

hugs
steph

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 06:30PM (BST)

I agree with Kevin regarding BEP. I think it is a very american song - as america should be - questioned, challenged, freedom of speech. A while ago The Who wrote one entitled "Had Enough" which the lyrics I find apply still today.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 08:48PM (BST)

Marty, I don't think it's odd at all that you were aware of feelings for girls so young. I remember being aware of boys since a very young age, and I have observed even younger children and toddlers exhibiting "love" for the opposite sex. I think it's present almost from birth, but we don't recognize it.

While this is not the kind of music I listen to a lot, this is an INCREDIBLY powerful song!!! I had heard it before and was very impressed, but this time the lyrics just jumped out at me. Perhaps it's because practicing what you preach is on my mind a lot lately, and in fact, basically what I was writing about on my recent blog (part 1, part 2 to follow shortly).

Thanks for giving me more "food for thought!" Bless you, Marty, and your family.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 12:52PM (PDT)

Hei Marty.

Great writing, a good video and first class scribbling.
Growing up is hard work and it is not easy to either boys nor girls in any country or continent one grows up.
I also think that going in the separated education at the age when each sex is at their most awkward stage is not good and far from ideal in a sense that one would learn to relate to one another in a natural every day way.

In Finland we do not really have that system but all are in the same schools and I like that system, whereas the secondary schools in Ireland are still very much for the separated system of the sexes. And have massive teenage pregnancy rates, btw. (For whatever reasons.)

Have a great rest of the eve in d job. =)

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 11:01PM (CEST)

Hi! I'm here through Brenny's blast.I'm looking for a way to put this video in my favorites on myspace.com.I don't have the "youtube" program.I have put url links on my 360blog to my videos on myspace and keep links to them on my blogroll.Sending from here to there though, any suggestions?

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 05:57PM (EDT)

Good luck in school! Just started back myself last week.

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 03:18PM (CDT)