originally posted 16th July 2006 - Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence

http://eqi.org/index.htm

Subject: Steve Hein

This guy writes some really interesting stuff round emotional intelligence. Having read some this morning, I have felt challenged in the way I have dealt with some issues with the lads at work and with my own issues and feelings that they generate in me. When I think about the times I've said to the lads "Well, I'm sorry, that's just the way it is" its made me realise how that can make someone feel invalidated. Its obvious, of course, that I use this phrase because its something I have learned to use. Its been said to me, and I know now that I have felt invalidated in the past. Its a bit like the bullying issue.

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/index.htm

Those who bully almost always have been bullied and its learned behaviour. I used to post to a yahoo newsgroup linked to Bullyonline. I'm sad to say that I witnessed a lot of the folk who posted, claim and counter claim, they were being bullied on there - the very place they wanted to feel safe. I think this is why I moved on from that environment, because I realised there was something far more to explore in my life. I needed a deeper understanding.
Getting back to being "Invalidated". Reading about this brings forth the thoughts that its something that has strongly affected me throughout childhood and into adulthood. When I think of all the worries I had as a teenager and in my twenties, the thought of going for some sort of therapy just left me thinking that I'd be told "Oh..... its nothing much to worry about. I think you are over reacting. It seems you are a bit immature".. Takes me back to that old nagging childhood phrase "Little boys should be seen and not heard". To my parents and definitely to my older sister, my feelings and opinions simply did not matter. Its possible that one of the reasons I was bullied as a child, was my desperate need to be heard by others. My attention seeking behaviour was most likely very annoying to my peers which resulted in them reacting towards me.
I can remember that weeks before I got married, I went to see the deaconess who was going to marry Christine and I. I told her that I had this terrible fear of death. The response I got was condescending. She said to me something along the lines of it was something people felt in their teens usually - implying I should have grown out of it and that I was somewhat immature. This fear of death I had (and still have occasionally), was, I think down to my low self esteem and not being worthy of a relationship... getting married .... the possibility of having my own family etc...

Work has been pretty quiet this morning with no disruption. The weather is really hot today. I'm gonna be popping out to a friends birthday celebration this evening for a short while - won't be late though - after a 12hr shift and another to do tomorrow, plus I've got to drive so I'll have to keep to soft drinks or just one.