Grief

**Written last night, but I was unable to post for some technical reason**


I'm sitting here late tonight with stuff on my mind and struggling to sleep. I've got a real belt of the blues in the last day or so mixed in with anxiety and a general feeling of stress. I'm also getting panicky feelings that at difficult to describe.

You may have read some of my old blogs where I've mentioned about the poor health of my mother. She has really taken a turn for the worse in the last few weeks and has a virtually zero quality of life now. She now needs pretty much 24 hour care . My father is doing his best to care for her but he is not in the best of health himself, so there is a fair amount of nursing care attending now to help including a hospital bed being delivered for her and some alterations to my parents home. Mother has now been diagnosed with Alzheimers. She pretty much doesn't speak at all now. On top of that, she is not eating and has lost so much weight, she is just skin and bone. In the last couple of weeks she has become incontinent and is also suffering bed sores.
Visiting today, I witnessed her discomfort. It really has upset me and I'm finding it difficult to get that haunted look in her eyes out of my mind. For years now, since my mother suffered a stroke I've found myself running senarios in my head about when she will finally pass away. You see, I've always had a vivid imagination. I really don't think it will be long now and with all the suffering she is going through. Right now, it just feels like prolonged grief. I guess I'm just in a bout of depression right now as a result of all this. I know the signs. I find myself getting obsessive about things. Right now it's my music.... playing in the band and practicing my trombone. It's good to put in steady practice, but I know I've been manic over it in the last few weeks and I sense a "drop" coming thats associated with depression.

Writing all this here is my only outlet really. It's not possible for me to talk about my feelings openly with my brothers and sister because we are not close. My relationship with that part of my family is very stilted and kinda "Victorian". At least it's not so bad with my wife and kids, but even then it's not that easy. I guess they are just too close. As the last year has gone by and incidents of mothers failing health has occurred, I find myself getting angry and resentful of my brothers and sister. You see, being the youngest, I still get treated like a child, particularly by my sister. At least, that's how it feels to me. Maybe this is all a side grief to what is going on with mum and these feelings are likely unwarrented. I don't know how to deal with it all other than to get it written down here.

My brain is getting a bit frazzled now and it's difficult to really say anything coherent. I'm just hoping I'll be able to go back to bed and get some sleep now.