Short Story

Not so much a story, as a rant in the realisation today in therapy that I have past experiences to work through for my long term health. I'm ok, by the way folks, and I'm on the road to dealing with all this stuff.

“Gravity is working against me and gravity wants to bring me down. “

(Reflections on my job before its end. Yr.2000)

Why is everyone against me? I’ve given my all and have nothing left to give. I thought you liked me Gravity. I thought you respected me. You encouraged me. You praised me. You stood up for me when others sought to bring me down. I did everything you asked of me, and more. I respected you too.

You see, I was a guy of limited confidence, but plenty of ambition. In the past, I’ve been knocked down, but I’ve got up again to fight another day. I admit I sought your praise for the purposes of some self gratification and the need for my own self esteem. I was good at what I did and you know that, so why are you now abandoning me? I told you some while ago that I’d too much on my plate and needed assistance, but you chose to ignore that, I guess because of your own personal problems. I’m hurting bad and I’m suffering. Right now my self confidence is rock bottom, yet you still seek to verbally kick me. Can you not see that I am already battered and bruised? Where is your integrity? If you saw a man drowning in a river, would you really just walk on by as opposed to throwing that rope as a life line?

I can’t help wondering why you have spent so much time and effort creatively building the sculpture that is me, only to destroy it like some piece of junk you now no longer have a use for. It seems to me that you treat your staff like you treat the cars you sell. High performance cars that are driven to their limit and beyond, maintained for a while and discarded in favour of a shiny new model that befits an over inflated ego. Can you not see that I am a person, not just a widget to be played with until boredom sets in, then discarded when broken.

I see now that my appeals are futile. You have made up your mind and made your stance. I have no fight left in me, so I bow to your victory and I accept my defeat. I shall go now as you request and leave you to you own devices and desires. I see no change in you, so it is me who will have to adapt.

Gravity is a scientific fact that cannot be changed. It can only be avoided by leaving the environment to a place where it no longer has an effect.

Footnote: There is an anagram in the word “Gravity” that equals the name of my former boss “Gary”. A realisation in the process of writing the above.

Comments

(17 total)

Marty, your rants are very powerful because you put so much of yourself in them.
I also am going through a self discovery process having to do with a lot of things that happened in my past. I along with my family were was kicked out of our native homeland when I was 14. I grew up those initial years with the distinct message that I was less than and did not belong.

The other thing I always feel is an urge to stand up and applaud your courage for being able to be so forthright with your feelings. I love these kinds of posts and I hope you keep writing through your discovery process.

Monday 9 October 2006 - 10:40AM (EDT

Once again Marty brilliant, powerful, evocative stuff, I can so relate to the feelings you are expressing, of course with me it wasnt a job and a boss but you know that. Although at that time you felt there was no fight left in you in these writings your words show that there is now plenty of fight in you and that you are a strong person who will in the end defeat their demons and regardless of what life tries to do to bring you down you will survive and in the end thrive. Your an inspiration mate, thank you simply for being you.

Monday 9 October 2006 - 05:31PM (BST)

Wow Marty a powerful piece indeed.
I really felt the emotion, you portrayed it so well.
I think Kev has it right, you are an inspiration, the way you are so forthright and honest about your emotions and the way you prtray them in your writing is just fantastic.
I love these sorts of blogs from you because I see a little more of you each time, you share a little more of who you are with each piece. Thank you Marty for sharing this. Bless you.xx

Monday 9 October 2006 - 07:29PM (BST)

I am left with not much to say, as the other commentaters have covered almost all the positive aspects, so I'll just pass on a message of support........

Monday 9 October 2006 - 12:19PM (PDT)

and the point is..... I wish I'd had the courage to say those things at the time, albeit, they are much more reflective thoughts, and many of them a long time after the event. I'm not sure it would have made any difference and in some ways would have ended with me being dismiised rather than the negotiated redundancy I was able to negotiate.

Monday 9 October 2006 - 08:40PM (BST)

ooops negotiate in the same sentence..... LOL

Monday 9 October 2006 - 08:41PM (BST)

I think everyone has things at times which they wish to have said but never thought of. & probably that would have been good to assert yourself, but at the same time as you say, may not have made much of a difference. But again it's good to write down those comments down here, because it's great to get it out into the open. Writing thoughts & fears down is good therapy in itself! You're doing great Marty! Am proud of ya!

Monday 9 October 2006 - 09:21PM (BST)

You weren't ready to say those things then... the fact is you can now see those experiences for what they were... and as painful and difficult as some of your past may be.. in the end you are becoming stronger...and I'm sure that in a similar situation now, you would handle things differently. You are growing. Just as you should. To everything there is a season...

Monday 9 October 2006 - 05:05PM (EDT)

Hei Marty.

Very thought-provoking indeed so tis.
What comes to my mind also, is the media and the like that 'pump up' the people they want to make into a famous 'something' 'til at some point they turn against them and viciously pull 'em down to nothing and many times even worse than they ever were before they were so-called well-known persons! Posh n Becks come to mind, for example.

Take care. Keep well. Have a grand week. =)

Tuesday 10 October 2006 - 12:28AM (CEST)

I agree with Pamela. Healing can only be achieved by acknowledging the hurt, the anger, the bitterness. By putting the words to the page, you have in effect said, they are no longer inside me, they can no longer hurt me. They are now past, and I move forward.

Tuesday 10 October 2006 - 01:39AM (BST)

Seems that this effort gave you an opportunity for some soul-searching and a catharsis, Marty. Good stuff!

Tuesday 10 October 2006 - 03:42PM (EST)

Sad to see that you still haven't found a solution of the bad job situation. Actually, it is tragic. Well, Marty, take heart. Love, EC

Tuesday 10 October 2006 - 08:48AM (CEST)

Sometimes accepting a failure of defeat is a win.. and in this situation it was a definite win! You won your self esteem back by leaving that what did nothing but to continue to beat you down.. so although in the sense of some folks eyes it may have appeared to be defeat, in all actuality it was a victory! Great stuff!

Tuesday 10 October 2006 - 07:59AM (CDT)

Very well written and heart spoken :o)

Tuesday 10 October 2006 - 11:49AM (CDT)

This spoke to me personally in the difficult times when we all feel abandoned

Thursday 12 October 2006 - 06:56PM (CDT)

This spoke to me personally in the difficult times when we all feel abandoned

Thursday 12 October 2006 - 07:00PM (CDT)

I really liked this blog, so I thought I would comment. I also like your background pics too. Hope you are keeping well now.

Thursday 9 November 2006 - 11:11AM (GMT)