30th August 2006

3rd part of my story as promised

Having real probs with blogging today for some sort of technical reason. The site seems better than early. Hope this one works. Keeping it simple to text only today. I've aborted my morning blog.....


From yesterday...

This Good Friday seemed the opportunity to go find Paul's grave, remember him and comfort myself over the loss of Maria. I “talked” with Paul about this and cried some, then returned home....

continued........

A day or 2 later it was time for Christine to come home. This was a really sad day. In fact the recent days felt kinda weird. I bit like getting to the end of a really indulgent film or book. Our life was now due to get back to some sort of routine somehow. I wondered what was ahead and worried about it too. I worried about my own anxiety and Christine too. Chris had a bout of reactive depression after her father had died and this nearly split us about a year before we married. I was concerned my childhood anxiety would return and put me in a bad place. The days ahead involved arragement for Maria's funeral and visits to the hospital by way of.... well... the best way of describing it is a “de brief” with the medical staff at QEQM Margate hospital. The consultant and other staff met with Chris and I and were very kind and gentle. We were offered couselling as a couple. I subsequently asked for some one on one because I felt I needed it. We were asked if we wanted a post mortem, to which we declined. In the very unlikely event this was something “neglegent” by the hospital, I didn't want to know about it. It was enough to have lost Maria and nothing would bring her back. I know the staff did everything they could. If mistakes had been made, then that is only human, nobody is perfect.

Eventually came the day of the funeral. I wondered how I would feel. I remember being really upset and angry with ill chosen words by my boss back then. He called me into his office and made platitudes along the lines “Of course, in occasions such as this, we do allow time off from work for the funeral of a 'next of kin'. So the funeral is in the morning. Will you be taking half a day off or do you want the whole day off coz if you want the whole day, I'll have to make arrangements and you'll lose half a days pay”. I think I politely replied “the whole day” but the words did not hit me till I left the office. I guess the look on my face was plain to see. I think I shared with a work colleague that I was furious. A couple a minutes later, a message came through from my boss that he would may me the whole day. I lost a lot of respect for him and my employers that day. His offer, of course was too late because the damage had already been done. I never mentioned the feelings about that incident to him but I think he knew.

At the funeral, I carried Maria's coffin to the front of the crematorium chapel. The service went like any other funeral. Chris and I had chosen music to be played as the curtains closed. For Chis it was Andrew Lloyd Webber “Piu Jesu” and for me it was Samuel Barbers “Adagio for Strings” . During this music, I could heard heart rending sobbing from one person behind me. I didn't realise until afterwards that it was my father. My parents too had lost a girl (before I came along) 8 hours after she was born. In those days, funerals did not happen and it was all brushed under the carpet. I reaslised that my father was now grieving for his daughter too. Its the only time in my life I have ever heard my father cry so openly. He always been pretty stiff upper lipped really.

We had a wake at our house after the funeral. E had a lot of friends and family with children, so when we got back to th house, the was a buffet and things like ice cream and jelly for the kids. Music was put on for the kids to enjoy and we had some drinks too. After all the emotion of the morning, I guess it was time to relax a little, laugh and joke and so on. During that afternoon, we noticed someone coming up the garxden path. It was out family doctor who had come round to do a check up on Chris. On hearing all the music, laughter and see ing children running around he was a little confused. He said “Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Have I come at the wrong time? Is it somebodies birthday?” It took all the powers of my self control not to burst out laughing at our poor doctor's fau par. After he left, I told everyone and we all had a good laugh about it. Talk about pathos! As is happens, John, our doctor has become a good friend.

For a few weeks after, Chris and I attended counselling, both together and seperately. Strangely, everything seemed to go back to normal about 3 weeks later and I felt as if nothing had happened. I felt some guilt about this and guilt about my orginal feelings about the pregnancy, but I seemed to be coping. About 6 months later, whilst in the canteen at work one day, I can remember eating a microwave Lasagne (why I remember what I was eating is really weird). Suddenly, it was as it a bomb had just gone off outside.

continued tommorow.........

Comments

(14 total)

Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story. I wish you and your family the best of times. On a lighter note, I had the same microwave lasagna and it felt like a bomb went off inside. ;)

Wednesday 30 August 2006 - 11:48AM (EDT)

must be difficult re-facing all this Marty, and maybe now is the time to do it. take extra care of you right now. Be kind to you.

hugs

dormouse

Wednesday 30 August 2006 - 05:13PM (BST)

I read this and hope you find the same kind of comfort I did through writing it all down in this way...telling your story and sharing it with others. It takes a lot of strength to think about all the emotion and pain you went through at this time and portray it through your words, hooray to you for finding the strength to do it. I await the next part of this emotional post.x

Wednesday 30 August 2006 - 05:19PM (BST)

• WebMa…
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I think there's prob one more bit to go, or maybe one and a half. Its already written. I wrote it all juts before I posted the first bit.
Bless you folks....

Wednesday 30 August 2006 - 05:41PM (BST)

marty my friend it was i very touching thing to write. so i thank you for sharing it with us.it just shows you have a lot of in'r strength. but please take your time. we will be here for you. so no rush all the same it was beautifuly written so thank you again my friend. L

Wednesday 30 August 2006 - 07:18PM (BST)

Marty, hope you find some closure in the writing and telling of your story. As i said yesterday, I think you're a brave guy for sharing your pain with us all. I'm not sure i could have done it, if it had been me.
I also now understand why you have such an affinity for Barber's Adagio.

Wednesday 30 August 2006 - 07:21PM (BST)

Thank you for sharing. I admire your strength and courage. Take your time and find peace in it.

Wednesday 30 August 2006 - 03:16PM (EDT)

hey Marty,
mate, lets forget all the pains and hardships we go through, and just fuck off to the pub and drown an ale or two.......

Wednesday 30 August 2006 - 01:56PM (PDT) t

• WebMa…
• Offline

I do ifiik, fairly frequently, but then the money runs out. LOL

Wednesday 30 August 2006 - 11:04PM (BST)

Nothing much really I can say that hasnt beed said allready by everyone over the last couple of posts, its very sad but also a little uplifting that you where able to find some felief amongst friends and family.

Wednesday 30 August 2006 - 11:33PM (BST)

I'm sorry to hear about your little girl marty, take care of yourself and your family x

Thursday 31 August 2006 - 12:42AM (PDT)

Very moving blog Marty and may I add what an arse hole of a boss, I can't believe a human being would act like that it's unbelievable.

Thursday 31 August 2006 - 08:44PM (VUT)

My boss? Well he said what he said and I suspect he really regretted it afterwards. Not long after that his wife left him. Saw very little of him at work for about 6 weeks coz he was in a right old state. I would have been nice to have had a bit of a sabatical myself but there ya go, such is life when you are up again millionairres who become so self centred. I've forgiven him now, despite him forcing me out of my job a fews years later, but thats another story.

Thursday 31 August 2006 - 11:16AM (BST)

what can i say except sorry and i hope things get better, and i have three all black cats and they say sorry too, you are both very brave, not sure whether i could be so brave xx

Thursday 31 August 2006 - 07:41PM (BST)