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Marty's "Living life in chapters" A self development blog: 7/13/08 - 7/20/08

Marty's "Living life in chapters" A self development blog

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The latest on the stress front

I woke this morning feeling a little better than previous days (at least I wasn't reduced to a blubbering wreck for a change). I went to the doctor for my appointment. I'd mistakenly thought is was a counselling session, but is was in fact just a normal consultation. The long and the short of it is that I'm back on the prozac. It's not what I wanted, but I felt a bit cornered. Asked how I felt, I said I wasn't ready to return to work yet. This is because I don't feel in the right frame of mind to be effective and more that a little fragile with emotions. I know from experience that it's no advisable to go back to work in the wrong frame of mind still harboring anger inwardly and outwardly. Unfortunately, (Marty adopts cynical tongue) "government guidelines no longer allow people to take time off work for stress". This I'm told by the doctor. Confusion and anger returned immediately and I almost broke down again. Finally, I agreed to take the tablets and doc signed me off for another week. Having researched the effects of stress myself, I know that recomendations suggest a change of role or a change of job. Having informed my line manager, I've asked if it's possible to come back next week and just work on some admin alone for a while, perhaps to help her. Just waiting for a reply now.
Doc told me that someone will be in touch with me about counselling shortly. I guess I got angry about doc telling me "government guidelines" because it brought on feelings of guilt. I don't like being off work and with the rollercoaster of emotions, feel guilty when feeling quite well and normal at periods of time during the day. As it happens, this is the first time I've been off sick since 2001 and that was the same reasons as now - stress, anxiety and depression.
I've just taken the first tablet this morning and I'm irritated by the usual side effects of a burning throat and slight headache. For me, taking the tablets just puts a sticking plaster over a deep poisoned wound. I just want to get the poison out, but I know thats going to be very painful indeed. Still, what do I know? I'm just confused and messed up right now.
I'm going to a house church meeting tonight. I've got mixed feelings about that. Again, with all the confusion going on I'm not really certain of what is good for me.
I'm going to get away for a while at the weekend and see how I feel after that.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Tranquil Sun

Sitting around indoors moping over all the stress, I know is not a good thing. Feeling pretty crap last evening, I decided to go to the places I usually go when in such a dark mood. Finding somewhere peaceful to be alone with thoughts, close to nature often helps a fare amount. I was struck by the way the rays of sun beamed though the clouds last night.
I took a long walk for a couple of hours down at Minnis Bay and watched some foreign students play football. My brother phoned me and we chatted for about half an hour as I watched the sun go down over the sea. There was an amazing sunset, but as I went to take the photograph, the battery went on my phone/camera.
I'm still angry, frustrated, demotivated and all the other associated feelings. Researching it all this morning suggests that I've maybe hit burnout. Frustrating in itself, because I've always tried to be cautious and aware the the possibility of this happening.
I've had a good long chat and laugh with my friend from Torquay this morning. My mood is still on a rollercoaster. This ride, I suspect is set to continue for some time yet. Still, band rehearsal tonight is another positive and I'm intent on another long walk down the bay this afternoon. The weather is hot here today.

To compliment the picture, I've added a short video similar to the one I did at the same location a couple of years ago.....

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Checking in

I went to church this morning (not my local one). Cried a river and found some first beginnings of some focus. Also found some kindred spirit in all the distress.
Went to see an old friend early this afternoon. Just continuing to meet and discuss with those I trust. I feel just a little more unburdened than before.