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Marty's "Living life in chapters" A self development blog: 7/6/08 - 7/13/08

Marty's "Living life in chapters" A self development blog

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Emotions Rollercoaster

I took this picture last Thursday. It's from the lay by on the road next to Manston Airport. I was just on my way back from Band Practice about 9.30pm. It doesn't quite capture the sky as I saw it and its slightly disappointing, but I thought I'd share it anyway.
I woke this morning feeling pretty dreadful. Just a feeling of uselessness and despair for an hour or so. I'm feeling a little better now having distracted myself by investigating possible new job opportunities. Not that I'm sure that's what I really want to do, but my feelings and emotions feel that way at this time. Just one simple remark the other day set off this latest bout of depression/blues. Over that last few days I've felt angry, demotivated and cynical. My confidence has gone out the window. The roller coaster has me bouncing around between doing something positive about the situation.... went out for a run yesterday, indulging in music and band, meeting friends, writing down the events that have caused this episode.... and then I just feel its all just a waste of time and I fall into a cycle of self blame. I don't see myself returning to work anytime soon and this brings on feelings of guilt. It's all typical symptoms of the depression I guess.
I might go for another run today and perhaps help some friends of mine get their computer fixed. Just trying to keep to positive thoughts going as much as possible.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Seen the doctor and signed off for the week. Recomneded exercise, and some counselling that I have an appointment for on Wednesday. Following that, dependant how I feel I may consider medication again. I hope, in some ways to return to work, but my experience of counselling suggest some tough time ahead making a return to work perhaps unlikely. I hate being like this. It brings on guilt and many other feelings, but then I think I need the space.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008


I kinda finished my last blog trying not to give the impression that problems were afoot and frankly I believed that despite having some kind gut feeling trouble was on the horizon I had no idea what was going to hit me. I'm sitting here at 1.15am having had a bit of a nasty experience on the work front. It caused some flashbacks and sparked off a major bout of anxiety that I had to keep in check (as far as I could) until the end of my shift.
How true those words of Kipling have turned out to be right at this moment! There may be a trip to the doctor for me later this morning if I can get in. Can't reveal any more for obvious reasons. I dunno what else to say other than I feel very demotivated right now and completely self indulgent and full of self pity. It has got to run it's course, come out the other side and hopefully not damage health along the way.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


Headlines in the news today suggests a coming recession in the UK. Frankly, I think we may be in one already and have been for some months, it's just taking statisticians to catch up and produce their reports and for the government to decide to release the bad news..... bit like pulling teeth for them, I'm sure.

So....... beware all those currently working in middle management! Area Sales Managers, Team Leaders, Department Sub-Heads... or anyone else with some kind of contrived job title that implies limited seniority. The knives are likely being sharpened by those the other side of the firewall ready for the inevitable cull of the workforce. Pressure will come to bear upon everyone. Folk will fear for the safety of their own jobs and revert to self preservation at all costs. There will likely be much heartache, anger, bitterness, nepotism, fear, bullying..... to name a few!

I sense I'm fortunate in the job I now do to be safer on that front than in the past, however, I do feel for those out there, particularly in the commercial world who will suffer. Having seen the end of Wimbledon tennis, I'm reminded of Rudyard Kiplings supportive poem in times such as these. Wise words that I'm sure will help.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Now lets redress the balance with something less depressing.
Here's a video I created of the band I play for. Betteshanger.. Enjoy