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Marty's "Living life in chapters" A self development blog: 9/10/06 - 9/17/06

Marty's "Living life in chapters" A self development blog

Saturday, September 16, 2006


I guess this blog has sparked off for me as a result of the insightful words dormouse left on my last blog. Its a bit long, so you might want to put the kettle on and make a brew. I've written a little about this before, months ago when I first started blogging here. Compared to now I was pretty unknown then LOL. This is maybe a bit of therapy to out some emotion within me. I've been meaning to scribble this for a while now. Its hot off the press tonight.


I heard the bakelite 1970’s telephone ring in the hallway of my parents bungalow. Mum answered the phone and it was Michael. All I heard her say down that phone was “oh no. uh no. oh no!” I started crying. Mum didn’t need to tell me. I knew what had happened.

During the early 70’s, my aunt took the lease of a cliff top kiosk at Foreness Bay close to where I now work. My parents also got involved in running this little business selling sandwiches, hot drinks, ice creams etc. It was a very popular spot in those days. Cliftonville was then known as the posh end of Margate with all the hotels and guest houses. Things have sadly changed now with due to what was termed in the 80’s as “Dole by the Sea”. The sun seekers and beach huts at the bay have long gone. Its empty now.

For me, roughly 9 years old, this kiosk meant wonderful summers spent on the beach building sandcastles and “tide fight” barriers. It was also a wonderful opportunity for me to make new friends with the children of holiday makers and locals who owned beach huts on the promenade. That first summer I made friends with Mark and we became quite good friends. Mark had another friend, Paul, and we were duly introduced. Paul was not able to run around splashing in the surf as we did, for Paul was a fragile child born with a deformed heart. He spent most of his time sat on a sun lounger watching everyone else. Paul could walk a little, but would get out of breath very quickly. Paul’s mother Joy was also disabled, so Paul’s father Michael cared for them both whilst also running a taxi cab part time.

At first, I didn’t think Michael was Paul’s father because Paul called his father by his Christian name, Michael. I discovered the reason for this in time. Joy would call out for Michael very frequently because of her needs and as a result, Paul never learned to call his father “Daddy”. This wasn’t at all sad. It was in fact rather endearing and somewhat unique. I’d describe Michael as a jolly fellow and seemed to have bundles of energy; a very fit man who went swimming in the sea every morning of the year including Christmas day.

Paul’s fragile condition meant that he was never going to live into adulthood, so Michael crammed in as much as he could into Paul’s short life.

The 3 of us lads became firm friends. Mark and I spent a lot of our time with Paul. We would design elaborate games that Paul could play with us. This would involve flints and stones collected from the beach that we would throw at targets chalked onto the promenade. Michael would keep us fed with endless cold drinks and slices of cake. Sometimes we would all get the treat of an ice cream. Michael would always stop as the kiosk either on his way to the beach or on the way back, so my parents got to know him too. They were full of admiration for this man and his energy. Mum described him as a saint.

One particular summers day, Michael asked Mark and myself if we would like to go to the pictures with Paul. The film being shown at the cinema was “Bedknobs and Broomsticks”. This was the first of many trips to see movies. The friendship between Paul and I became much stronger. In fact I began to spend Saturdays in the winter round at Paul’s house. Paul introduced me to the wonders of Enid Blyton’s stories. We would sometimes spend an hour or two together reading “Secret Sevens” and “Famous Fives”. We would then discuss and grumble “Why can’t we have adventures?” such was our innocence. Building Airfix models was another firm favourite.

We saw less of Mark after a while because he went off to boarding school. I guess this kind of made Paul and I much closer. We would watch our favourite TV programme at the time “Basil Brush”. We were very big fans.

Another movie we went to see was “Live and Let Die”. This was my first experience of the bond movies and I was hooked straight away. Michael brought the album of the theme music for Paul. We would listen to this constantly. It makes me smile now as I remember that Paul struggled to keep up with singing along to the fast bit. My sister got married in 1972. Paul and Michael were invited along as company for me that day. Paul was a couple of years older than me but because of his condition, he was very small.

In 1975, Paul reached 14 years old. Michael explained to me at around November time (Paul’s birthday) that he would be going up to a top London hospital to have an operation. This, if successful would extend Paul’s life by maybe a couple more years. Although I knew Paul’s would not live for long, I guess it all seemed a long way away, as things did at that age. I guess I just couldn’t imagine, or dare not imagine what it would be like for Paul to not be around any more. Michael told me that as soon as Paul was fit enough to come out of hospital, he was going to treat us both by taking us to the Theatre in London to see a production of Peter Pan. This would likely be in January 1976. So I said farewell to Paul and began to consider what could happen. Paul’s chance of survival, if I remember correctly for this operation was 50/50. I can also remember night times trying to sleep with my mind full of imagination. I started to fantasise what it would be like and how I would feel if Paul were not to survive. I guess this was typical of my vivid imagination. I guess I’d never experienced any sort of trauma at that time in my life and I wondered what it would feel like.

Then came that day of the phone call. Shortly after Paul’s operation, he had developed a blood clot that ran to his heart. Apparently he never regained consciousness. I cried as mum and then dad came into our hallway and we all hugged. It is one of the very rare times I can remember my father embracing me. I didn’t look to see if he was crying too, but he likely was. This happened on a school day for me. Mum decided it would be best for me to go rather than mope around the house. I remember mixing with the other lads in the school yard before the whistle was blown, but I just felt completely detached from everyone and I was close to tears. Crying in front of your mates at age 12 was just not done, particularly in the hard nose days of the 70’s. I disappeared down a side alley by a class room and sobbed my heart out. The school whistle went but simply just didn’t care. Getting in trouble for bunking away from class meant nothing to me compared with the grief I felt right then. One of my school pals had spotted that I was upset and went to find a teacher. This sports master came round to see me and was very kind. He invited me into a classroom to talk. Eventually, he encouraged to join the rest of the school for assembly. In those days we had large hymn sheets hanging on the walls that looked like Biblical scrolls. As the school band played I tried to sing but could not see the words because of the tears flooding my eyes. Somehow I got through that school day and the next and the next.

I was many, many months before Michael and I had the courage to see each other. I didn’t go to Paul’s funeral. In fact it was a long time before my mother told me. By a quirk of fate, Paul’s funeral was on 5th February 1976, my birthday. I remember wondering why mum went out that afternoon but did not say why. She simply did not want to spoil my birthday. When I finally saw Michael, he brought round Paul’s train set to give to me. I still have that train set in the pewter covered wooden box my loft, buried under all the other bric a brac that I’ve hoarded over the years. We did tentatively keep in touch over the years. Paul’s mother died a few years later. I believe this was pretty much of a broken heart.

Paul is buried in a wonderful little church on the hill in the picturesque seaside village of Kingsdown Nr. Deal. It’s a beautiful and peaceful place and somewhere Michael told me he used to live. It was not until 1996 when my daughter was stillborn that I finally went to visit Paul’s grave. His mother is buried at the same spot too.

Michael ensured that Paul lived his life full of joy and fun. Paul was to me a real Peter Pan because he never grew up. He has remained that innocent child, never exposed to the cynical adult world. I loved Paul deeply. He was my soul mate. We never ever argued in all the time I knew him. As I have got older I seem to think of him more now. We had a perfect friendship. I can’t describe it any other way.

I need to drop in another video with this. Its about close friendship. One of my favourite films and probably the most moving ending to a film I have ever seen. Definately brings tears for me.... Another true story too.


(16 total)

This is a very endearing story, and tugs the strings of my heart. I too, lost a specoial friend I had grown up with , Ian, who was killed at the age of 15, joyriding in a car, skylarking just a little too much.So I know where you are comming from , my friend.........

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 03:24PM (PDT)

How your blog takes me back Marty. My parents had a little B&B 'The Ventura' on Edgar Road in Cliftonville during the late '60's and early '70's. They used to take in groups of special needs kids from time to time. I used to walk along the very same beach, until I moved to Canada in '68. Small world isn't it.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 03:38PM (PDT)

That my friend was beautiful and was so well written, I had a few tears in my eyes before the end of this story, I'm sure a friendship like the one you describe must be so rare the fact that this friendship allways remained one of total innocense probably means it will remain the perfect friendship which I'm sure cannot be said of many. This is yet another very brave and touching blog from you Marty, you have a true gift of being able to get your feelings across as the written word. I hope writing this has helped you my friend.

Sunday 17 September 2006 - 12:26AM (BST)

A deeply-moving story, more so that the friend lost was so young. I wrote recently in my blog about the murder of my friend Cathy (thank you for your comment), so I understand all the emotions retelling the events can bring up.
Although the circumstances were different, the pain we feel is the same.

Sunday 17 September 2006 - 02:03AM (BST)

By the way, the film 'The Killing Fields', I agree, is a very moving story. It contains one of the most powerful scenes of any film. After Pran's escape from the "re-education camp" he is running, he suddenly stops, a horrified look on his face as he realises just where he is standing.....the camera pulls back to reveal a field littered with human remains....a mass grave only partly covered. I had nightmares about that scene for weeks after I first saw it. Imagine how it affected Pran.

Sunday 17 September 2006 - 02:11AM (BST)

Hi Marty, first time I have stopped by your page and you go and make me cry. This is a beautiful story and speaks loudly of the type person you are and were. I have a special needs daughter who has benn lucky a few times over the years to have a "Marty" in her life. I am grateful for each of them, they made her so happy by including her without always dwelling on her handicaps. So many people think that handicapped people can only be friends with other handicapped people, which can really limit you socially. Anyway, just wanted to say. thanks.. you are very special yourself.

Sunday 17 September 2006 - 12:58AM (EDT)

Beautiful Marty! stirred old memories of friends gone..

Sunday 17 September 2006 - 10:37AM (IST)

that was beautiful!! why do we realise how much we love someone when that person is not there?

Sunday 17 September 2006 - 01:49PM (IST)

Honey - it sounds like you just relived a lot of stuff which must have been really tough for you, and now that is a little bit of the grieving done - just a little - and there maybe more to do so be kind to you..


Sunday 17 September 2006 - 10:10AM (BST)

Hei Marty and a Good Sunday to U.

A very moving story told with great panache. Keep well. =)

Sunday 17 September 2006 - 12:27PM (CEST)

And I just needed to say that kids are simple creatures and know what is best for them. They like completions and don't like to leave things unfinished. Not saying goodbye to a good friend is unfinished business and that needs closing for you and will be calling for completion.
Marty - as the song says - LIVE and let him die.


Sunday 17 September 2006 - 11:58AM (BST)

Live and let die is my favourite Bond film, I wanted to be Solitare (Jayne Seymore) when I was little:) thats a truly sweet story!

Sunday 17 September 2006 - 12:12PM (BST)

I cannot watch 'Killing Fields' without tears falling.....

Sunday 17 September 2006 - 03:25PM (BST)

Hey Marty sorry I'm getting to you late on this...sorry, well what can I say? this was such an amazing story, it brought tears to my eyes with your sadness at your loss...but also tears of joy for the wonderful friendship you had that will never die. Bless you for sharing such a heartfelt story.
I haven't seen the film but even without seeing it... the power of that clip took my breath... I definatel will be watching that film sometime soon.
Bless you Marty....big hugs.xx

Sunday 17 September 2006 - 04:11PM (BST)

I'm thinking that's a terrible age to lose a friend - the onset of puberty with already so many changes in our lives and bodies to come to terms with. I understand how this would mark you Marty.
And now you've got me thinking over my childhood beach days on Walney Island off Barrow in Furness...

Sunday 17 December 2006 - 03:34PM (CET)

Its such a sad tale, marty. But how lucky Paul was to have you as a best friend at such a crucial time in his life. His poor parents must have suffered greatly knowing that the day would come and then when it did come... It's also sad to hear of your stillborn baby. You're a brave man to share all your innermost pains and workigns with us. Thank you and bless you.

Thursday 8 February 2007 - 01:25AM (GMT)

Retail therapy

Hi folks,

Hope you enjoyed the Colonel again yesterday. I love playing around with movie maker and making use of wav sounds and the like. Can't do too much of the Colonel voice coz it makes my throat a bit sore LOL.

I had another little glitch on the mood front late last night. Everything was fine, and then it was like I got hit by a bus. Anxiety attack and depressive episode. Still, I'm feeling a bit better now. I decided to go out for a bit of retail therapy this morning and buy myself a new mobile phone. My old one has just about had it now after nearly 2 years use. So now I have an up to date "Vade Mecum" that has loads of functionality to record quality video and photo's, play mp3's, play games, surf the net, remind myself of appointments, alarm clock, calculator, record sounds and voice messages........ohhhhh and rumour has it, I believe I can make phone calls with it too. LOL
Here's todays scribbling.......

An experience my brother Chris told me about.

Years ago back in the 70’s my brother was in Scotland visiting his girlfriend. He was travelling by train late at night. It was winter time and pretty cold, especially being Scotland. The train stopped at a station and he heard a platform attendant calling out “In for cleaning” . Chris, I think had been dozing and thought that perhaps he needed to change at this station. So, he told all the other passengers in his carriage that they should get off the train for it to be cleaned. This they did and went to the waiting room. The train pulled out, but there was not other train. The station announcer had actually said Inverkeithing – the name of the station, a little town in the Dunfermline area. Needless to say all the other folk that got off the train were not very happy. The all spent the rest of the night crowded round a little heater in the waiting room of the station.

My video share today is Paul McCartney & Wings "Live and Let Die" This was the first bond movie I ever saw. I went to see it with my childhood friend Paul, whose father invited me. aul and I used to play the record to this track all the time. Hmmm.... Its time I wrote some more about Paul. I have some endearing memories of those childhood days back in the early 70's.


(12 total)

I don't know Jack! Hehehehe Silent movie goes well with the song.

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 08:31AM (CDT)

I love hearing your stories of days gone very funny, no wonder you can recall them so well! Hope you're OK though, you do worry me! Take Care XX

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 02:49PM (BST)

It's a wierd place to be isn't it when these episodes just seem to pop up from nowhere? I know where your coming from somewhat right now, but I hope for you the time will come soon when you realise just exactly what is going on (as i do for myself too of!).
Glad you're feeling a little better today and the retail therapy helped!! And fancy having a mobile phone and actualy being able to make phone calls on it!! wonder if mine has that feature!! lol.
Loved the your brother felt a little foolish for his misunderstanding...bless him...not to mention cold sat in that waiting room! ;o)
Loved the video clip it's an awesome song and the the accompanying vid!
Take care Marty and you know where i am if you need someone to chat to. My love to you. big hugs.xx

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 03:47PM (BST)

Sorry to hear about your anxiety episode Marty matey, I know they arnt much fun are they (I think it was that chocolate brown kit that did it), hope you feel better as today goes on. Your new phone looks just like mine except yours is a touch rounder at the top, I have a Samsung D500. Hope your feeling much better anyway mate.

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 03:50PM (BST)

Oh by the way enjoyed the story.

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 03:50PM (BST)

Hi Marty. Yoy can't beat going out and buying electrical or electronic gadgets to cheer yourself up. Works for me. Well, it would if I had any money to buy 'em with!!! lol.
The "in for cleaning" story was a classic. Loved it.
But hang on.....I've seen Live And Let Die more than once and there were definately no WW1 planes in it!!

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 05:03PM (BST)

Hi Marty! Glad you are feeling better today! Nothing like a little retail therapy!! That little sucker has everything on it! Are you sure you can even make calls? Loved the scribbling! That is way too funny. Great video! Love the music from the 70's. Take Care and have a fabulous weekend! Big Hugs!

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 12:17PM (MDT)

Could imagine the icy atmosphere of that railway waiting room.
Unfortunately this computer has no sound so I can only view the video, at home I can't even do that my compuer is too slow but a new one isn't on the horizon just yet, and it still works fine.

Retail therapy certainly works doesn't it, at least for a little while.

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 11:20AM (PDT)

Marty I'm struck by the lyrics of this song and the video and the subject of Paul.

When you were young
and your heart was an open book
You used to say live and let live
you know you did
you know you did
you know you did
But if this ever changin' world
in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die
Live and let die

What does it matter to ya
When ya got a job to do
Ya got to do it well
You got to give the other fella hell

You used to say live and let live
you know you did
you know you did
you know you did
But if this ever changin' world
in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry
Say live and let die
Live and let die

Perhaps those words might mean something when you consider your grief, expressed and unexpressed. And I could also be talking out of my ass....



Saturday 16 September 2006 - 07:21PM (BST)

I enjoyed you Blog? The video was great. You have a art. You make you blog different. Very good. Your anxiely relax and great some rest. You must be worred about something. Take care xx

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 05:17PM (ADT)


Saturday 16 September 2006 - 02:38PM (PDT)

Wow, I'm surprised they even let him by the heater.

Tuesday 19 September 2006 - 03:42PM (CDT)

Friday, September 15, 2006

Video blog from "The Colonel"

Its from the Colonel folks. Can't stop.... gotta be out tonight for a beer with a friend.... catch you all later. Hope the Colonel has left a good message for you. God bless you all......


(13 total)

EEEErrrmmmmm nope you got me foxed.


Friday 15 September 2006 - 11:03PM (BST)

Hmm, didn't watch it looking for mistakes...
Besides, we can forgive the old chap a mistake or two?
Great blog.

Friday 15 September 2006 - 11:46PM (BST)

Well I'm glad I'm not the only one who couldn't find it...and I watched it another two times just to try and spot it!! lol.x

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 12:31AM (BST)

Not me! Harrrr..

Jolly good Colonel. Kindly pass my regards to old chap Marty, me thinks he might be needing some gripe water and what not. I suspect thats not the Trombone I heard.. You can leave the trenches to the hedge hogs now..

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 09:12AM (IST)

Hmmmmm.. well not quite sure, missing another co-star? mustash crooked? Okay.. so I give! I am grasping at straws here! Just tell us poor folks! LOL! I love it when you do video blogs, just an fyi! LOL!

Friday 15 September 2006 - 10:45PM (CDT)

Foot and mouth regiments ?

Saturday 16 September 2006 - 09:17AM (IST)

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Future Dreams

Hi folks,
1st off. I've really felt very much better today. A good day at work. Thank you all for your support. Its helped to make a difference for me.

Just before coming home from work tonight, I started searching for a video gto share for my daily blog fix today. The one I'm sharing (I'm a big RW fan) got me to thinking about dreaming. It made me think that we all (certainly for me) live our lives dreaming about exciting things for the future... goals and the like. Its what drives us on. Watching Robbie in the video below proves that even somebody as successful as he is still driven by dreams. There is a flip side of course, when our dreams get shattered, but then we just pick ourselves up, re-adjust and go searching for another dream. That can be very hard to do sometimes, but in the end it happens and onward we go.

Here is another scribbling hot off the press tonight.. Hope you enjoy...


Back in the mid to late nineties, when I worked in the motor trade, my lunch times often involved a trip to the Canterbury Asda stores for something to eat. One of the girls I worked with, Nicky, from the showroom reception often used to come with me. We have been really good friends for years now. In fact it was Nicky who started calling me “Marty” (in case you didn’t realise, my proper name is Martin). I’ve found it quite endearing and the name has stuck with close friends and of course, I use it on line too.

In those days, corporate clothing at work was very strict for the motor dealer I worked for. Grey trousers, polished black shoes, black socks. White shirt with button done up. Corporate yellow Renault tie and French Navy blue blazer, double breasted. The girls had to wear the blazer too. Trouble was, every time we went into Adsa, most shoppers would assume we were Asda staff. I lost count on the amount of times I was asked where the tinned peas were, or “Hello dear. Can you help me put these apples in the cellophane bag please?” Even the Asda Greeter used to stand to attention bolt upright when we walked in assuming we were senior Adsa management. Nicky and I hatched a cunning plan. We would walk around the store and discuss in quite loud tones, “Yes, the drinks isle will be far more effective nearer the entrance… think we’ll get that moved and bring in a new expanded line in cereals over there”. It was really funny to see the little old ladies ears prick up at the latest piece of gossip and mouth at each other in the style of Les Dawson!

I guess because Nicky and I got on so well, we would often go to lunch together, which of course caused some gossip back at the showroom. It was really funny to actively spread these rumours, knowing how some people feed on it. As a result, when returning from lunch, Nicky would grab my arm as we walked through the showroom doors and state in a voice that the whole sales floor could hear “Thank’s Marty, you were great!”. (feigning false perspiration). Of course Nicky and I knew the truth, (that nothing was going on) and it was really funny to see the eyebrows raise and the tongues continue to wag. I’d tell Christine about this when I got home from work and she would giggle about it too. Nicky is still a close friend (although we don’t see much of her and her husband these days, ‘bout once a year). It’s great when we do catch up though.

Now, The Robster...... I LOVE this track from "Swing when you're winning"


(15 total)

Ha, I remember one time I went shopping in a mall, god knows why, wearing a blue t-shirt with a collar. Polo shirt style maybe? I don't know, terrible with fashion. Anyhow, apparently EVERY retail shop in the mall required their employees to wear the same thing and I was asked by 6 or 7 different people, in 4 different stores, where things were. At first I just got annoyed and said I didn't work there. By the end of the day I was alternating between telling people we were sold out and one guy got mad enough that he went to go talk to the manager about me. That was time for my friends and I to leave.

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 03:12PM (CDT)

I do so enjoy your tales of the past lives...But the uniform thing is something they should take up here, despite its downsides. Today we went into the bank, 3 out of 4 staff were wearing jeans! I also understand the issue with having a good friend at work of the opposite sex. i had a really good friendship with a man when I worked at Pearl/AMP, nothing suspicious about it, really I was like the mother he never had, he'd never known his own as she'd left when he was a toddler. He was very young, and about the right age to be honest to have been a son had I been a teen mum, we used to lunch together most days and talk about absolutely everything, and we had a heck of a time winding people up...clandestine emails and phone we kept straight faces at times I'll never know, but we did, what they didnt know was that I was also very good friends with his wife! Such is life eh!

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 09:39PM (BST)

Not a massive Robbie fan, liked him early on (not take that) but for some reason gone a bit off him. My dreams as you probably know tend to revolve around the past I'm afraid.

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 09:40PM (BST)

People do seem to feed off of gossip don't they? I guess a lot of it stems from the belief that real life isn't always as interesting. Although I have met many people whose real life is jucier than soap operas!

Friday 15 September 2006 - 12:56AM (EEST)

I agree that everyone should have their dreams, something to aspire to. I've found that many people have two types of dream. A realistic that can be attainable...and a that will almost certainly never come true, but can be fun to think about.
Yes, dreams will sometimes be shattered, but we learn from the makes us stronger (at least I hope it does).
When I moved to Sweden in 2004, my dream was to settle down there permanently with my Swedish girlfriend. Things didn't work out (I will prob write about this in more detail on my blog sometime) but I don't regret going and I have learnt from the experience.
Your story about Nicky made me think. It has always irritated me greatly that people always assume that if a man and a woman are good friends and spend time together, there MUST be something going on between them. Why? Is it so strange that they can just be friends?? This has happened to me too, so I can relate to it.

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 11:07PM (BST)

hahaha good one Marty! I remember a time when I was a store manager in a retail chain. On my way to another city after work, still wearing my suit and name tag, I passed another of our stores and decided to walk in. WELL, wouldn't you just guess it... the staff thot I was from H.O. and started asking me what I thot of this & that and I played along with it... by the end they had the whole store turned around. Their manager was out that evening. The next day he had a shock and even more of one when I called him to tell him it was me that had caused his stress. (He never suspected shy me! Lol) But isn't it just the way life is for all of us... we make assumptions of what we think is the truth, without confirming what the real truth is? And then dare to share that assumption as truth.

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 05:55PM (PDT)

Sooo funny Marty, but also brings me to think about those busy bodies that want to go running around telling or starting the rumors upon what they think is true rather than the facts.. annoying how those jump to conclusions! If you do not hear it from the horses mouth.. don't start spitting the chud! LOL!

I am sooo happy that you are feling in better spirits, me too! :) It is great to have this forum to vent and get outside opinions and support, sometimes it is easier to write something to get it off ones chest than to talk about it, at least I have found that to be true at times! :)
Hugs to you and yours! Keep smiling! It looks great on you!

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 08:56PM (CDT)

OH yeah, this song is awesome, "I will talk and hollywood will listen", one of my favourites. What do you think about his work in Escapology?

Friday 15 September 2006 - 11:29AM (IST)

I am so glad you are feeling much better Marty.I really am glad to have you as a friend you know.I hope you have a wonderful weekend with many smiles to go with it. Loves ya! *hugs*

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 11:02PM (PDT)

First of all thank you for accepting my invite. I am glad you are eeling better and this was a funny post. I remember once I was wearing a red shirt and black jeans ans was in Target (a chain of stores here in USA) and a few customers did end up asking me about merchandise.. It happens, I guess... Leavs us with a story to tell...

Friday 15 September 2006 - 12:18AM (PDT)

fantastic robbie song, you've made me go and find the video of the albert hall concert to watch all over again. my stepdaughter went to watch robbie at milton keynes last night, how jealous am i?

Friday 15 September 2006 - 02:45PM (BST)

some of my best friendships over the years have been with people i've worked with, this blog has made me think back to some of them and some of the tricks we got up to.

Friday 15 September 2006 - 02:48PM (BST)

I'm glad you feel better too, Marty. :) Funny how things go from crap to wonderful and then back and forth. Just the cycle of life eh? i just wish mine would stop going crap so much of the time lol It's like when you go for a walk and you're really tired and it seems like the whole thing is all uphill. Both ways! lol ;-) Take care Marty. hugs

Friday 15 September 2006 - 07:53AM (PDT)

Fantastic choice of track, squire :)- I like Robbies tunes too, and that album was awesome. One of our faves after a few drinks too, holds a lot of good memories :) Take care, buddy, speak soon.

Friday 15 September 2006 - 08:24AM (PDT)

Hi Marty!! So glad you are feeling better. Gossip in the workplace is so outrageous!! Guess some people are unhappy with their own lives so they have to make up rumors and cuse everyone else to have trouble to. Where I used to work if you whispered to someone you were automatically having an affair. Hope you have a good evening and a fabulous weekend!! big Hugs!

Friday 15 September 2006 - 05:21PM (MDT)

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Smiling on!

Hiya all,
I started a blog 'bout 4 hours ago, but had windows update on the go and accidentally hit restart options, so lost it all click here

Now I'm laughing!

As some of you know, I've been struggling a bit just these last few days and been a touch stressed. I'm not very good at pretending, but don't want to be negative. I battling with 1 or 2 demons tied up with work right now so, for those of you that can pray and do, I'd appreciate a prayer or too for me. I'm getting more than a few spiritual messages from our maker about my work and the need to move on. Its just a case of knowing what and when that will be.

I've been to the brass band tonight and enjoyed that, so its cheered me a little. I'm not looking forward to work too much tomorrow, but once through it, I'm off till Monday. Maybe the old Colonel will make an appearance by the weekend. For those who don't know click here
Here's another scribbling... running short of these and need to write some more soon as I'm nearly out.....

Seeing too deeply into a simple piece of information. (3rd September 2006)

I’ve written loads about how words, meanings, environment and feelings can be mis-interpreted. Having got into work this morning and chatting with my colleague Tony who was handing over to me from his night shift, we had some long and in depth discussion about relationships between our clients, staff and friends in general. In fact last night, we were discussing church again (as we frequently do) and how that plays a part in our lives. Tony, as I have stated before is a man of great faith, so discussions of a spiritual nature occur quite frequently. So…. Tony and I were talking about relationships and Tony suddenly said “Luke, 10c, nine thirty”. I thought to myself “I wonder what Luke (biblical) had to say in this particular passage”. Then I suddenly realised what a complete doughnut I had been. Tony was telling me that Luke in flat 10c wanted a wake up call at 9:30 am. Talk about getting too super spiritual at times!

My video share tonight is something I loved from my childhood. Its funny and (for me) a bit sad too coz I didn't want Ernie to lose out. Its only when I became an adult that I "got" the double ententres in this. Its still safe for kids and lightens my heart to this day. I guess the slight sadness in this reflects my current mood.... still in touch with my fun side, but tearful too.


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Wow, Marty, where did u dig up this old gem from?? It really took me back to youthful happy times. Benny, huh? Such a controversal figure. You either loved him or hated him, no middle ground. Yeah, ok, he was sexist, but then a lot of people were back then. I think he just had a great sense of fun.
The "complete doughnut" moment made me laugh. Nice one, Marty.
Being an atheist,I don't do prayers, but you have my support as a friend. Take care and keep smiling, mate.

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 12:20AM (BST)

I loved It all Much love???

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 09:08PM (ADT)

I do pray every now and then even though I'm not sure what I believe is out there... i only pray when I feel it is truely needed and this would be one of them times my dear friend...I will pray for you and hope that you are shown a sign soon to help you on your path.

I'm glad your being as positive as you can...keep laughing at the small stuff Marty cos it don't matter...and that being said, remember's ALL small stuff! ((Big hugs))

lmao at the being a complete doughnut!! I often have these type moments and have a damn good laugh at myself when I do!!

Loved the vid... I think Benny is brill and poor old ernie...he drove the fastest milk cart in the west!!

Keep yer chin up and keep smiling (but don't forget to be sad when needed...let it out its ok). All my love to you, big hugs.xx

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 01:09AM (BST)

Hi Marty!! I have done that before and it really makes you want to scream. It is usually after you have got it about done and then have to start over.
keep your chin up and keep smiling!! Things will look up! I just know it!! Get yourself some rest and maybe the old Colonel will be back to himself by the weekend! Take Care My Dear!! Big Hugs!!

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 06:50PM (MDT)

You have my prayers and my thoughts! Hugs!!!

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 07:51PM (CDT)

Funny how we sometimes look too hard to find an answer, only to find out the answer was something right under our And Benny Hill was one of the best!!! Poor old Ernie, he drives the fastest milk cart in the

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 11:53PM (EDT)

I'm not old enough to remember Ernie! I daren't play the video because the computer keeps stopping every time I try to do something so I might have a look another time when it's fixed!
How do you manage to stay positive all the time? I try to wake up in a positive mood but I never stay that way!

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 07:48AM (BST)

OMG Ernie, havent seen him in years absolute classic, do you think he was the fore runner to M & M, he seems to be a very early rapper to me and white of course. I tend to misunderstand things said to me sometimes, I'm told its because I over analyse everything, I do analyse things to death, things said, things on telly, funny looks off the postman ! Sounds like your mind is made up about moving on, anyway I'm not a prayer, as such, but you have my thoughts and hopes Marty matey.

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 09:26AM (BST)

The wonderful Benny Hill, a really funny one Marty, he and Ernie had a lot in common eh? And I guess I'm noticing that in the last few days much of the blogging has been about sad\serious so I do appreciate a bit of silly humour now.
take care, keep your head on your and hugs

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 10:08AM (BST)

That is the one thing I hate about updating things! (I guess that's why my husband never updated anything when I was gone!)

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 02:11PM (EEST)

Sounds like things are a bit better now but I'll have a few thoughts for you and the demons you've been battling anyway.

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 03:16PM (CDT)

Night Shift reflection. What teh future might hold

After playing football withe the lads last night, I felt a bit of discomfort round the left side of my rib cage. I did tumble over at one point during the kick about and maybe I've bruised my rib cage. However, I have felt this before and I wonder if its a result of stress, due to being so wound up on Monday. Maybe its a muscle spasm.

So Tuesday (now yesterday) was my first day back at college for counselling level 2. I enjoyed meeting some new folk and catching up with one or two who were on level 1 with me last term. We have a different tutor this time who has a very different style of teaching. The learning is going to be more intense, but in some ways, I welcomed this because its given me a different focus. I wasn't too happy about coming to work tonight, which kinda confirms my feelings about possibly moving on. I sense my attitude changing towards the clients, so its important not to let that continue to fester and cause problems. Believe me, I've seen it happen to other staff here who have now gone. I know I need a new focus to "re-light my fire" (ooer) that sounds like a dubious intro to a song LOL. Image

I got another scribbling to share. Before I started writing this one I had a lot of thoughts cascading in, but by the time I got to the PC, it kinda lost its way. Still, here it is.....

LOVE in a child’s eyes

I can remember, even as a small boy. I can remember at about age 7 or 8 getting that tingling feeling seeing a pretty girl in the school yard and wanting to kiss her or hold her hand. At that age we are more impulsive (at least I was) and would smile and try to embrace. Gosh, I can remember getting hurt back then (not being an attractive child... or maybe that’s just how I saw myself). To see a girls eyes shine with excitement and then darken when they looked at me really destroyed my confidence. Looking back, that childhood love (and yes, I think you can call it love) was so pure and not mixed up with other urges that occur in adolescence. By the time I got to about age 10, I did have a girlfriend. In fact I had 2 at the same time who were friends. I’d have one on each arm! I knew there were jealousies and tried to drop one or other. Trouble was I’d end up feeling sorry for the one I said no to and just kept both!

I went to an all boys secondary school at age 11. Girls were like the sweets jar on the top shelf that I couldn’t reach and was too afraid to climb up to get. Not only that, most other lads didn’t seem to have an interest, so I thought I was a bit odd for still having those “love” feelings. My confidence was low. I was small and immature for my age but those desires for that simple love still remained. I became frustrated that I couldn’t get a girlfriend in later teenage years when others could. I thought all girls hated me, especially the pretty ones. I can remember my first job out of school at 16 working in a sweet shop. I walked into the cloak room and a working (who also worked there) was brushing her hair. I felt intrusive and apologized and she said “Oh, its ok, don’t worry”. It shocked me that this girl had been kind and friendly. I guess that was the state of my mind back then. In fact, it took till age 19 before I first got a proper date and that was with a girl of 25!

My video share tonight has great meaning to me. I rarely listen to lyrics in songs. They usually pass me by as I connect more with the sound of the music. When I first heard this, it struck me straight away. Really appropriate for world events right now. On a personal level, it reminds me of the time I first came to work here at The Lighthouse Project. On this occasion, the lyrics jumped straight out coz they are gritty and real and reminds me of what my faith means to me. Now THIS is prayer! Oh... errr. the video is a touch anti American, not as balanced as I'd have preferred, but still, its a great song...


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I love that song to Marty! It speaks so many truths it isn't funny! And you know what, sometimes the truth hurts!

I am still tripping over your romeo youngster days! LOL! I think my oldest is going to be the exact same way, but I sure hope the girls are not mean to him in middle school or mom is going to have to open a can of whoop a** on them! LOL! Hugs to you!

Tuesday 12 September 2006 - 10:09PM (CDT)

Thats a cracking video and song Andy, I dont think its so much anti american more anti hate written from the point of view of a group of americans. Black eyed pea's can be a good group (for that style of music) but they do insist on doing some not such meaningful stuff dont they "my hump my hump my lovely lady lump" for gods sake (mind you Fergie does have some very nice lumps and humps) sorry thats the male in me escaping again. I can just see you as a teeny don juan lol.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 09:33AM (BST)

OMG sorry Marty, MARTY not Andy, I so appologise, grovel grovel.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 09:34AM (BST)

I always like the pictures you post! I like the song too.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 01:37PM (EEST)

Marty, it was a little bit like that for me too. Had a girlfriend when I was a pre-teen, but then went for several years in my teens not having a single girlfriend!! It became very frustrating!!. My first serious girlfriend didn't come along until I was seventeen.
Good song and very good vid. Some powerful images and lyrics. By the way, I put a song on my blog for you. I found it while looking for another song. It just reminded me of the uncertainty and confusion you have been feeling lately and all the support you get from your friends here on 360. Cheers matey.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 01:07PM (BST)

Hey Marty I'm glad things a little more settled with you....I think it's good that you recognise the signs that a change may be in order that your focuses may be better placed in a different many people don't see it (or chose to ignore it) but it doesn't work out for the best as I'm sure you've seen with others you say have had let things good for you for being in touch with yourself on this one...and whatever you decide, be happy in the knowledge that it will benefit you as well as others.
Most importantly remember yourself.... you are important, guess we have both got the same affliction when it comes to out to others and forgetting ourselves...I purposely take time to stop and remember "me"..don't forget to do the same.

Right to the scribbling.... I thank you for this Marty as I felt exactly the same as a child and I always thought there was something wrong with me! I had my first love (and I too believe it was love in its purest form) when i was six and it lasted until he moved away when i was was the best relationship I've had!! every time I saw him I was giddy with excitement, just to see him smile made my entire day...funny how when we get older all sorts of other feelings and physical expectations get in the way of that pure love we can have as children.
I didn't have much luck as I was in secondary school I was overweight and geekish to say the least, (I think I looked like a boy!)It does knock your confidence when perceptions of yourself only seem to be realised by the responses and reactions of others.
You obviously have such a pure heart Marty, a rare thing to find, or so my experience has been.
You don't show hesistance to share your love it pleases me that you can be confident in speaking your love for your friends here on 360..... something that probably comes easier to me as being female society allows us these "quirks". I love you for that honesty and confidence to share your love and am glad to be your friend.

The video was brilliant...I love this song and the video was very powerful, really moving...

A fantastic blog today Marty and a little more insight into you with the scribbling..Thank you again for sharing. Big hugs to

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 01:19PM (BST)

Sorry didn't realise I babbled on so much there!!!xx

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 01:20PM (BST)

Hey marty? Great video. Well... I had 5 brothers so boys didn't come near me!! HA HA, yes. Your writing is so true. We all found love at a early age. My first love I was 15 years old. He was so... sexly and hot? My brothers made it hard for me. So we were just friends. Later in life I married that Hot thing!!! 15 years running. I had the love for him at 10 years old??? That's for your friendship. Ruth(peanut)

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 10:19AM (ADT)

An amazing video share Marty. I shall have to blast this one so that more people can get to see it.

Adolescence was a difficult time for me as well. I went to an all boys school till 9th grade, so my first stirrings were around that time. I was also gawky and uncomfortable with myself. Even after I came to the States in 1983, I stayed quiet and in the background, never ever telling people if I was attracted to them.

Sad thing is that there were two particular cases where I met them years later and they said they would have been interested at the time!

Oh well. Live and learn. Off to read your short story entry now.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 11:55AM (EDT)

Marvelous post/video Marty...Thanks for sharing

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 09:34PM (IST)

Wow my lovely you are all out there right now - brave you! Adolescence can be a sh*t time for some kids and wonderful for others - so it goes..I was struck by the choice of song and your desire to express love on a world-wide scale - whilst at the same time noticing that you were talking about the time you joined the Project and were working with kids who missed out on love on a local scale - as do I in a kind of way. The inheritance of a victorian era I am sure...


Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 06:30PM (BST)

I agree with Kevin regarding BEP. I think it is a very american song - as america should be - questioned, challenged, freedom of speech. A while ago The Who wrote one entitled "Had Enough" which the lyrics I find apply still today.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 08:48PM (BST)

Marty, I don't think it's odd at all that you were aware of feelings for girls so young. I remember being aware of boys since a very young age, and I have observed even younger children and toddlers exhibiting "love" for the opposite sex. I think it's present almost from birth, but we don't recognize it.

While this is not the kind of music I listen to a lot, this is an INCREDIBLY powerful song!!! I had heard it before and was very impressed, but this time the lyrics just jumped out at me. Perhaps it's because practicing what you preach is on my mind a lot lately, and in fact, basically what I was writing about on my recent blog (part 1, part 2 to follow shortly).

Thanks for giving me more "food for thought!" Bless you, Marty, and your family.

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 12:52PM (PDT)

Hei Marty.

Great writing, a good video and first class scribbling.
Growing up is hard work and it is not easy to either boys nor girls in any country or continent one grows up.
I also think that going in the separated education at the age when each sex is at their most awkward stage is not good and far from ideal in a sense that one would learn to relate to one another in a natural every day way.

In Finland we do not really have that system but all are in the same schools and I like that system, whereas the secondary schools in Ireland are still very much for the separated system of the sexes. And have massive teenage pregnancy rates, btw. (For whatever reasons.)

Have a great rest of the eve in d job. =)

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 11:01PM (CEST)

Hi! I'm here through Brenny's blast.I'm looking for a way to put this video in my favorites on don't have the "youtube" program.I have put url links on my 360blog to my videos on myspace and keep links to them on my blogroll.Sending from here to there though, any suggestions?

Wednesday 13 September 2006 - 05:57PM (EDT)

Good luck in school! Just started back myself last week.

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 03:18PM (CDT)

Monday, September 11, 2006

Entry to short story competition

Today has been a tough one for me. A bit of a roller coaster emotionally. There was a misunderstanding this morning at work which I kinda almost got told off for. It was not what I needed today, but my boss was not to know that. Its been one of those days where things have not gone right. I've been extremely intollerant as well today.
Thank you ALL OF YOU, for your supportive comments today. They did lift me this afternoon. I went to pay football with the lads. Here I see the good side in some as they encouraged and praised me for my contribution (believe me, I'm not footballer). It raised my spirits for a while and got the endorphins going.
Coming home tonight I still got that emotional feeling. Its not coming out properly yet. The way things are going, I think I'm being led to possibly move on. Events occur that indicate this. So... if its to be, I'm following that lead... for now as least.

You may have seen me promote the short story comp. for charity. (See my blast for details. The theme this week is 911
Here is my entry.....not sure if it qualifies... I'm not that creative.. I just write how I write...Image

S.S. Just another day at work...

Lunch time consisted of a trip to Bromley High Street to buy (if I remember correctly) a birthday card for someone in my department at work. Stacey and I had walked up the high street, then elected to get the bus back to the office because time was running short. It was at this point we heard the first snippets of information. “An Aeroplane has crashed into one of the towers of The World Trade Centre” Stacey told me this. She overheard the conversation on the bus. “Crikey, that’s some news” I thought. Maybe it’s a small aircraft.

When we got back to the office, everybody was watching the TV’s dotted around the building. Being a Digital satellite TV station, we had TV on all day in the building displaying our own inimitable broadcast of Jobs and Careers advice, but not this afternoon. Production had switched transmission to world news. Everybody had downed tools and it would remain that way for the rest of the day. Upon reaching my department, there was my first sight of those images that would dominate our TV screens for weeks and even years to come. BBC news reports were sketchy as conflicting information came in (as it did years later during the London Tube Bombings). Talk of possible terrorism was broadcast in that style of the BBC “This could be just speculation”. Then there were live pictures of another aircraft approaching. In somewhat sombre tones, the reporter described this in an almost inquisitive fashion, as if the aircraft had arrived for observation. To see that aircraft crash into the other tower was just unreal. There was no indication of panic from the news reporters. There was just incredulity and silence until the realisation and revelation that now there was no doubt, this was indeed terrorism. Very few people in our building offered an opinion on it all because to do so somehow just seemed crass. In any case, we were all too busy listening. A few of us started surfing the internet for the most up to date news and pictures in that “rubber necking” way that people do when witnessing a road traffic accident. I signed up for breaking news to my email address via “Annanova” and received around 50 emails in the space of an hour. It was just too much to keep up with.

My own feelings that day were a kind of shock, but that of detachment. It was, of course not really affecting me directly. I’m ashamed to say I also felt a degree of excitement as if I’d just been watching a really good movie. It was difficult to comprehend that this was somehow a real event. On the way home I kept looking up to the sky wondering, occasionally hearing an aircraft and wondering if it would be heading for Canary Wharf, but not really believing this would be the case. Thank God I was right.

So have these events changed my life? Well truthfully, and because they (by the grace of God) did not affect me directly I’d say “not very much” (aside of the fact that fuel is more expensive now!). At least that feeling is true on one level. I’ve been more affected by troubled relationships in previous jobs and other revelations in my family, and what happened in my childhood and how it affected me. On another level, I’m more open minded about my views of Government, Propaganda and the media.

As a child I trusted and loved people unconditionally. Then came the hurtful words, the punches and kicks from my peers. The “You’re a mug to give to that person” etc. etc. “That boy is just a dreamer” You’re no good” “You will never do that” You’re not strong enough” You’re not hard enough” You’re not intelligent enough”

So Martin the trusting child grew up into Martin the cynic. Martin the hurt. Martin bitter and twisted. Martin who… yes Martin who hated. Martin of anger. I had a saying in a particular job. “Never trust anyone, EVER!”

As time went by, the sack becomes heavier and the shoulders becomes bruised, that sack burden of cynicism, bitterness and anger. Eventually came the time to let it go and learn to love and trust again.

My hope (albeit somewhat utopian) is that all peoples of all nations learn to release THEIR burden and love and trust again as they may have done as small children.

As far as loving and trusting is concerned for me, well I’m still learning….


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Martin, this post is very powerfully written...I am sorry that your day has been awry, but it doesn't downplay your short story. I find it refreshing to hear your opinions on that day, 11 Sept 2001...there are many that share your views on that day. Most here in America would be too ashamed to admit that they looked onto this TV coverage with enthusiasm of someone watching a thrilling movie...but in many respects, it resembled just that. Thank you for sharing your story with me...I applaud your sincerity. {{HUGGSS}}

Monday 11 September 2006 - 04:16PM (EDT)

Well since I have not checked the link for the short story thingy, I rightly can't say if it qualifies or not either, but as far as everything else, I think it is a grand story, one from the heart and honest. I think that many are made to feel that if 9-11 did not have a tremendous effect on your life, life altering effect, that you are less than an American or less than Patriotic... Yes, the whole tradegy was horrindous, saddening that folks would go to such exteremes, but by shutting down and not moving forward the nation never heals! Bogie has in his blog a very good point, how much longer is the wound going to be left open, the destruction left to be gone unbuilt, the healing not to begin..

Great post oncce again Marty! :)

Monday 11 September 2006 - 03:21PM (CDT)

Sorry you've had a bad day my friend, hope it gets better for you, I dont care if your short story is relevant for the contest or not it is excellent.

Monday 11 September 2006 - 09:52PM (BST)

A brilliant story Marty honest and real and right from your heart as I find all your stories to be. As Lisa pointed out I think so many did share your views that day in the same respect, as it was hard to comprehend that this had actually happened...not many would be so honest as to admit that Marty...bless you for that.

I feel we all are learning to love and trust in the world..even the most trusting of us has their reservations...keeps something back, but then we all need that protection for ourselves do we not without being mistrusting. I hope that makes sense?
I loved the video, a brilliant song to accompany a brilliant post.
My love to you and hugs to comfort you in your emotional struggle...if thats the right word? follow your heart Marty for it will never lead you wrong.x

Monday 11 September 2006 - 10:00PM (BST)

I remember 9\11 only too well, I was at the time arranging a high level conference with my bosses confederates over in the US - trying to talk internationally with secretaries then the news came on and - we were all struck dumb. I still have the picture of the plane crashing into the building - something I will never forget, the whole affair struck me deeply - I have a close friend who was working close to the towers when they came down, he is lucky to be alive and his memories are painful. I visited ground zero 8 months later, what a deeply sad place it was, so many pictures, so many wilting flowers, so many lonely firemens helmets - absolutely pitiful. I couldn't watch much of the programmes that are on TV because its just re-traumatising myself with the same stuff over and over - not for me..

And your own stuff Marty, you carry anger inside you about what people said and did, and there will come a time when you can deal with all that in therapy - for if you are going to be a counsellor - that is the work you have to do. In order to have clients, I think it is necessary to be a client, to understand\work through the process.

take care and hugs and we must have a chat sometime soon.


Monday 11 September 2006 - 10:50PM (BST)

Marty,I understand what you mean by the movie analogy. Planes crashing spectacularly, huge explosions, buildings collasping.....all fare of the Hollywood blockbuster. And I agree many many people (myself included) perceived it in just such a way, because we had no point of reference to them in daily life. However, it was NOT a really did happen and when I realised this, I understood that the world HAD changed.
To distance ourselves from this event is to diminish the memory of those who died and to say that it has no bearing on us directly is to not understand how much the world has changed since that day.
By ripping the heart from one of the great cities of the world, these fundamentalist fanatics have shown that we can no longer consider ourselves safe in our own little worlds.
Ironically, the utopia you mention did occur for a brief shining moment.......the people of New York came together, became ONE. If only there was some way to generate that feeling of oneness between nations, races, cultures....what a future we would have!!!! But I'm afraid that your vision will remaim just that as long as these fanatics teach their children to hate before they teach them to walk.
Marty, don't take this as an attack on you. I admire your honesty in your writings. In this case, it's just a case of my opinion being different. Take care, mate.

Monday 11 September 2006 - 11:33PM (BST)

Im sorry you had a bad day?? It will get better, day's to come. I love you're HONESTY. Hey, Things happen. Pick up and move on. Live life to the fullest.

Monday 11 September 2006 - 09:32PM (ADT)

wow marty! those sacks sound so damn familiar! of late i've managed to unload many. and belive me, the lighter back work better, nay the lighter back works.
your message of peace to the world is wonderfully woven through the eyes of an individual! each nation is like an individual..and they can do without these sacks..mmm

Tuesday 12 September 2006 - 07:18AM (IST)

I was trying to write a response to this, some elements of what you said here have gone very deep, and after three goes at writing, and deleting...I can't write it. I do hope you are OK and beginning to feel the load lightening for you...

Tuesday 12 September 2006 - 01:29PM (BST)

Marty, I am sorry to hear that you were having a bad day. When you were playing football with the guys and it made you feel better that brought a smile to my face. I like to know that you are smilin and that even when your down there is something to your day that makes you smile or feel happy, even if it's only for a short time. To have little is better than to have none.
Marty, Keep smilin and the world will smile back, always know that I am here smilin for you!

Tuesday 12 September 2006 - 01:41PM (BST)

Chin up hunni, every cloud has a silver lining hmmmmm think I'll put something like that in my blast:D It can only get better, and there are some ppl out there that are trustworthy. Love the story!

Tuesday 12 September 2006 - 01:55PM (BST)

Hey, Your text is very fluent and powerful. Seems like a cliché but some days are worse than others. I've had a pretty bad day today too but I know I'll feel better tomorrow. Hug

Tuesday 12 September 2006 - 05:02PM (BST)

Sorry about your bad day. But you are right about things happening that lead you to believe it's time to move on. I used to work in a similar career and things happened there that led me to resign my position as a Social Worker for Child Protective Services. It was the best thing for me and my family., really. And even though it is a financial struggle, I am mentally and physically healthier. I will keep you and your family in prayer. Hugs to you.

Tuesday 12 September 2006 - 11:52AM (PDT)

Martin~Lets try to do this this together>Dont let Anyone steal our joy> I learned that phrase from "Joel Osteen Ministries" and it sticks with me..Im trying hard to take things into account with one eye and be blind in the other but it does take some training i tell ya.
I do love and trust people too soon and yes i do get hurt,but to find great friends,i must take that chance.
I only hope the best for you my dear Marty,I want you to know that.*hugs* :)

Tuesday 12 September 2006 - 12:56PM (PDT)

Fantastic reading Marty, as usual. I love your style of writing, sometimes 'just the way we write' seems to be the best and most creative way! Nice one.

Hope your week picks up mate. Andy.

Tuesday 12 September 2006 - 11:48PM (BST)

I hope for the same.

Thursday 14 September 2006 - 03:21PM (CDT)

Marty, I missed the short story and am glad I came back to it. Powerful post.

Tuesday 19 September 2006 - 02:35PM (EDT)

Excellent, Marty!! And wonderful song by Enya which I also enjoyed very much. Thanks.

Tuesday 19 September 2006 - 05:23PM (PDT

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Maybe this is what's affecting me

HI folks,
I've just been mailing someone some of these words about my work and thought it would be a good idea to blast all this out of my system. I wondering if this is the reason I've been feeling a bit down lately. You may recall in my last blog that I'm thinking about a change of job. Here is part of what I've just written to a friend: -

"It has been quite a struggle recently. This has mainly been because of staff shortage. At least I and my colleagues feel this is so. The problem is bureaucracy involved with generating the revenue required to run a project such as ours. The main source comes from housing benefit via local government, but the paperwork involved is dreadful with constant queries and shutting down of claims. One of the reasons its so strict is because of the ammount of fraud in this country regarding benefit claims. The result of all this is an unfortunate lack of support finantially for us to be as effective as we would like to be. This coupled with disruptive behaviour and damage (this week, a broken window and damaged wall) all add to the problems. Lack of staff, resources and suitable equipment to prevent these occurances just compounds the issue."

Added to this, I feel that since I've done this job, perhaps the following explanation kinda comes to mind. In many ways, things were far more disruptive when we first started. I wonder if its like having a "full bottle of cope" that gradually drips away over time. Yes, there are times when we get a break and recharge batteries and ethusiasm, but the bottle doesn't get refilled. Maybe the analogy is like a car the one keeps refuelled by forgets to top up essentials like oil and water. Eventually these run down and performance drops.
I think maybe I'm lacking "oil" and "water" check and need a service (which reminds me thats what my real car needs too!). So...... perhaps its time to change the car (replace with change the job). Maybe I need to change job and direction. I've learned from experience that sticking it out through thick and thin is not always the right thing to do. Last time I did that I had a breakdown.
I still want to work with young folk, but its time to do this in a different setting.

Hmmmm..... who knows, maybe in a day or 2 or perhaps tommorow I'll feel differently. Maybe I'll look back at this blog and think "What was all that about Mart?"

I start back on counselling level 2 at college on Tuesday afternoon, so perhaps that will help. Long term I think maybe thats where I'll concentrate my efforts.

Todays shift has been a struggle. Very quiet, but my motivation has gone out the window for the time being.

Thanks for listening.... *sigh*


(14 total)

hope you don't mind me butting in, just blog wandering, i like your description of a 'full bottle of cope', that makes so much sense to me. Some days I have what i call an 'i can't cope', sometimes it's over in minutes, sometimes it may be a whole day, but at some point, 'the bottle of cope' inside me seems to get topped up again and off i go. I hope you find your top up soon.

Monday 11 September 2006 - 12:25AM (BST)

I was told a long time ago Marty, that with every negative thing there are 10 poistive things, if one just takes the time to look for them.. sometimes it is easier for us to look at all the negativity in our lives, world, surroundings, then it is to look for the positive.. Just a thought.. But I am glad to hear that if you do make a job change it will still be to the benefit of the youth! You are a great man.. and whatever you do, I am sure you will continue to be great!

Sunday 10 September 2006 - 08:48PM (CDT)

Marty matey your "bottle of cope" sounds like my depression was once described to me by a nurse, apparently we have an element (dont remember what it was called) a chemical inside of us which helps combat lows, this chemical can start to run out over time with stress and depression etc, although in better times it replenishes, problem is (as apparently was my case) if this depression goes on for too long this chemical can be used up and you just plummet. I was told that one of the things my medication does is replace this chemical artificially, so theres your "bottle full of cope". Hope you start feeling better soon my friend.

Monday 11 September 2006 - 06:09AM (BST)

i'm hearing you.

Monday 11 September 2006 - 11:42AM (IST)

WOW Marty, I can so relate to this today! all I can say is "ditto"!!
Hope the sun shines on your day soon! Take care and I'm praying for you, Brother!!

Sunday 10 September 2006 - 11:23PM (PDT)

There are times when we just don't feel good about anything. The first snub of that depression is usually a dig at our job..cause it is something u can do away with.

I suggest u have a goodnight's sleep & reanalyse the situation as to what exactly is bothering u. If it indeed is the job...may the system needs some oiling. Discuss with yr collegues & see if there is any way of improving the work culture...a little humour at the work place always helps.
About the change of job...should be the very last option as there is no guarantee the new one could be any better.
It is better to be at a sick job rather than being sick about not having any in hand....

Good luck....

Monday 11 September 2006 - 02:06PM (IST)

Hello lovely, well I just love your visual image - VERY gestalt and creative! And I can hear how frustrated you are in your work. FUnding! Now that is an area I will be tackling in my new post - HEAD ON! Guess I will be facing frustration too. Glad that you were able to put down in words how things are for you right now, in the end you are the one who will know what is best for you - you are in charge of your body and it will tell you what it best wants - so listen well..having been through the experiencs you already have - there is a limit to how much more we can take...take care..
hugs steph

Monday 11 September 2006 - 10:59AM (BST)

Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes when I feel like you describe I go off an do something completely different in my own time then come back and try to think about the big picture which is niddling at me.
I often then find I'm not doing something to look after myself (and perhaps my inner child) and when I do take steps to correct that answers seem to appear everywhere else.
I'd suggest doing something you used to enjoy that you haven't done in a while... if nothing else it will take your mind to a happy place for a bit and perhaps give you a reprieve.

Monday 11 September 2006 - 12:40PM (BST)

Y'know,mate,our job can be a real mixed bag. In my five years I've had every emotion known to man drag me this way, that way and back round again. What we do is never black or white, always somewhere in the middle. Then there are the idiots who sit behind desks and make the rules, the do gooders out there who've never experienced a horrific shift, passing their judgemental comments, the government with all their papers here, their and everywhere. I hear you, my friend, loud and clear. I also know you will give a lot of thought to it. Goodluck, whichever way you sway, and always keep the Faith:)

Monday 11 September 2006 - 08:39AM (PDT)

Hi Marty, I thought I may not have access to a computer but I have!!

I appreciate your sharing how you feel, that is what helps others too. I tend to be a bit didatic rather than relational so I am here to learn also. You know what comes to mind when reading your entry was 'Divine Discontent' sometimes these feelings and urges to move on are exactly that. God is wanting to move you on, a job well done, a lesson learned, people you were meant to influence, love and help have been met and ministered to. Maybe it is just time. Of course there is always that monster 'the flesh' that tries to influence us. I am sure you will spend some time seeking God's leading and when you find peace about your decision whatever it may be you will know you are on the right road.

I enjoy your blog, do keep it going.

Monday 11 September 2006 - 10:47AM (PDT)

It is sad that one department or division must take on all the fund raising and poverty in any given community while the general public wishes not to have anything to do with such things as helping drug addicts but rather killing them faster, or that a runaway child is considered naughty, we all tend to turn the other cheek. A bottle of cope should be replaced with a bottle of encouragement and understanding.

How often do we hear when we embark on an impossible journey that we are actually capable of doing the job ? Or when the job is finished, "that it was not good enough"

If we believed in more people, we would have more resources to work with. If we picked up the lost and fallen, and listened to what they need, what they are good at, more would be employed in the job of their dreams...

Sounds to me as if we need to start working on recruiting more help and placing less emphasis on stockmarkets that want to split World Trade Towers and assets !

Monday 11 September 2006 - 01:59PM (EDT)

On another note, I have often seen in smaller communities, the hand picked select few who have the jobs worth any pay, and let me tell you if your new to the community there is no hope of climbing the corporate ladder until that controlling group slips away, by then your ready for retirement and still working at the local diner ?

How do we decide who gets what job done, the strong take the jobs worth any pay and the poor get left behind !

Monday 11 September 2006 - 02:03PM (EDT)

Hey Marty, well I guess they say a change is as good as a rest and if you feel thats what you need to further what you can indeed give in return then all the luck in the world to you. Whatever the outcome of your blow out of all this feeling today I hope you feel better just for getting it off your know we are all here for you when you need it.
Getting back to college may help to just boost your mind..give you a focus but don't worry if the answers don't seem to come together straight'll find your way Marty. All the best to you my friend.xx

Monday 11 September 2006 - 07:52PM (BST)

For the first time, you have given me the shits, you really have. I went to 3 supermarkets, looking for a bottle of cope, and no-ones got it. Where do you get it?Coz just lately, I've really needed it.......................

Tuesday 12 September 2006 - 05:16AM (PDT)