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Marty's "Living life in chapters" A self development blog: 10/18/09 - 10/25/09

Marty's "Living life in chapters" A self development blog

Friday, October 23, 2009

Back in the hole

It's that place again that plagues my life. I get frustrated when people do not appear to understand, but I think the real problem is that I just don't understand it myself. Sadness, anger, fear, shame, guilt, terror, exhaustion, all those feeling surround me. I'm on leave from work this week, but somehow I feel like I'm off sick.
The "D" word is still the big taboo. I've tried talking to certain people about it in the hope there will be some sort of understanding, but people just don't want to hear it. I hear the "we are all concerned about you" kind of reply but it doesn't help. It just leaves me feeling that I'm a burden and a disappointment. I'm mainly keeping quiet this time and playing along with the taboo. If I could change how it is in a flash, I would, but that is just not possible. It's not within my power. In the mean time, there is the responsibility that I carry. As always, I don't know where things will end up other than yet another major disappointment and a return the the starting line. Maybe that won't happen, but it still worries me.
I've tried not looking back, but those experiences in my life always seem to torment me at times like this and each time there is yet another event to add to that long list. I'm going to have another go at working back through it right from the very beginning with some help. It's a prospect that frightens me to the core and I sense it's going to be very painful. I want to believe its going to work this time, but I fear it wont. I don't really think I have any choice.
When will this latest bout end I wonder?

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