Feeling the fear

Just a short few words and a recommendation.
I've do try to spend some time to read other peoples blogs in order to continue to learn, grow and gain wisdom. 
Here's one I recommend this morning

http://blog.self-improvement-saga.com/2011/01/inspirational-thoughts-making-mistakes/comment-page-1/#comment-57789


Feeling fear causes those strange physical feelings of fight or flight. Just thinking of that, I thought I'd post a little memory I have of my childhood. Something I wrote a few years ago and worth re posting. 

The weather is gradually improving. Time to start morning runs again. 

"Butterfiles,

It was the day of the race. School cross country for the whole school... the highlight of the year. I was enthusiastic. I wanted to do well. I knew I was not good enough to win. Sport was not something I was good at, but running distance? Well I could make a passable attempt at this without being laughed at by the others. The breeze was cool and the air damp. I had butterflies in my tummy.
I made attempts at stretching, not really understanding what this meant, but hey! ya had to look the part and make like the others. The shout came "GO!" My peers sprinted on ahead and I took measured strides. It was not long before those sprinters got out of breath lagged to walking pace, hands in hips. I kept running at a steady pace determined not to stop and walk.
What a great day is was. I didn't win of course. I didn't even come close but the joy of encouragement from the sports master next day in class in front of everyone. "Well done lad. You exceeded my expectations. You gave your all and I'm impressed". A smile of triumph spread across my face. Praise from the sports master. Now that was rare.... for me at least. "

Back in the hole

It's that place again that plagues my life. I get frustrated when people do not appear to understand, but I think the real problem is that I just don't understand it myself. Sadness, anger, fear, shame, guilt, terror, exhaustion, all those feeling surround me. I'm on leave from work this week, but somehow I feel like I'm off sick.
The "D" word is still the big taboo. I've tried talking to certain people about it in the hope there will be some sort of understanding, but people just don't want to hear it. I hear the "we are all concerned about you" kind of reply but it doesn't help. It just leaves me feeling that I'm a burden and a disappointment. I'm mainly keeping quiet this time and playing along with the taboo. If I could change how it is in a flash, I would, but that is just not possible. It's not within my power. In the mean time, there is the responsibility that I carry. As always, I don't know where things will end up other than yet another major disappointment and a return the the starting line. Maybe that won't happen, but it still worries me.
I've tried not looking back, but those experiences in my life always seem to torment me at times like this and each time there is yet another event to add to that long list. I'm going to have another go at working back through it right from the very beginning with some help. It's a prospect that frightens me to the core and I sense it's going to be very painful. I want to believe its going to work this time, but I fear it wont. I don't really think I have any choice.
When will this latest bout end I wonder?