Faulty “all or nothing” thinking.

 

Negative thought patterns stop us from growing. They stop us from setting goals and believing in change for the better. These thoughts are generated by influences around us by individuals, culture and the media. Without realising it, we start to believe that there is limitation in our lives and therefore, fail to achieve our potential in a massive way.

There is a balance to this argument. There are some certainties that cannot be changed. For instance: - We are not immortal. We will certainly die in the worldly sense. That is simply part of the balance of nature.

When a negative label is put upon us, we need to sort the wheat from the chaff regarding the statement that we choose to believe in.

How often do you use the words “should” and “must” to other people and to yourself?

How often do you use the words “always” and “never” in a negative sense when challenging yourself and others in your family, circle of friends and work environment?

Incorrect uses of these words create limitations in that they can de-motivate us. This is because we are trying to do something that is not is not integral to our individuality and our ability to make choices that are right for us. 

Try the following exercise:

Complete the following statements where you frequently use the key word.

“You always……………………………………………………….…..”

“I always……………………………………………………………….”

“You are always……………………………………………………….”

“I am always……………………………………………………………”

Example of faulty use is as follows: -

“You always shout at me”. Is this really true? It may occur often and may seem like always, but it is more likely that it happens often or frequently, or maybe sometimes.

“I am always late”. This again is an untrue statement. I doubt that anybody has actually been late for something on every occasion.

Applying “always” to what we have done in the past, I suggest for everyone is 99.9% of the time a lie. It’s more likely 100% a lie! A more truthful statement would be to replace the word “always” with alternative words such as “occasionally”, “sometimes”, “rarely”, “often”, “frequently”. This allows us to identify what elements really are true and those that are the “chaff” that do not apply to us.

By making the same changes in the “you” statements, we allow the opportunity for the person it is aimed at to accept the truth in the statement.

Now do the same with these.

“You should……………………………………………………………”

“I should……………………………………………………………….”

“You must…………………………………………………………….”

“I must…………………………………………………………………”

The words “should” and “must” take away our ability to choose what we do. It is worth remembering that making a choice gives us power. To use choice effectively, we have the chance to decide the positive and negative possible outcomes before we make a decision. We stop the action being forced upon us. Whatever we decide to do, we do it with authority, ownership and responsibility.

Again, in the “You” statement, we grant freedom to the person we say it to. That person can then have authority, ownership and responsibility for their action.

“Should” and “must” is used with young children who have yet to develop their maturity. It is done as a protection measure in cases of potential danger. As a child grows, he/she will have the opportunity to decide for his/herself providing we allow them to do so.

I challenge you to look at how we use these words to adults and growing children and how they can impact upon  self image. The same can be said for ourselves. If we believe the all of nothing statement, then that is what we become. We lose self motivation, confidence and self esteem. We effectively become not what we have been designed to be.

WHO ARE YOU????

"Who is the child with no voice?

lost and unseen

A watermark of tear

full of fear

neglected and broken

missing and unknown

who will atone?

Where is the space

full of grace

to heal....

Who is the child?............................."

I wrote this about 14 months ago during a particular challenging time. Reflecting upon it now, I see my tenacity in seeking to overcome emotional distress. The benefit of evaluating this now is that I realize that I had completely lost my sense of identity for a while. This loss of identity is the root of low self esteem and low confidence. It had been there for a long time, but I could not see that root cause. I was fortunate enough to have a small amount of strength to work through the pain and get on the journey of re-discovering myself. This continues to be an ongoing process and the journey is now rolling along at speed on a clear run.

There are many and various labels we take on in childhood. I’m suggesting that for the most part they are stuck on to us, hiding our true selves. Some are heavy burdens with strong attachments.Like the naughty child in the film "Toy Story" who pull apart his toys and the toys of his little sisters, creating grotesque monsters, we too can become something other than as we were designed and made for.

To rediscover who we are, we need to which of the many attachments belong to us and which do not. All too often, we end up owning that which does not belong to us.

So how can we pick apart this mess?

A good starting point is to take a psychometric test. It's a sort of quiz. I’d recommend trying many. They are easy enough to find on the internet. Follow the instructions carefully and you’ll find something about yourself that you had not realized. The revelations are at first difficult to own. They may well feel alien to you. Regardless of what you think or feel about it at the time, it is worth hanging on to these answers and looking again in time. There are no right or wrong answers. All revelations are valid and have equal value.

These tests are used to help you find direction in your life. Many companies use them to help select staff. Ultimately, they are a tool to help build self esteem by allowing a person to discover who they are and perhaps how they evolve. That is why it is useful to do a test more than once.

The test can also show how we can communicate effectively according to personality traits and learning styles. I’d even suggest that if we all took these tests and acted upon them, we would as a human race, begin to fit together like a jigsaw puzzle allowing us to see the bigger picture in human existence.

If there is something in your life that you are struggling with right now, ask yourself the question “Who am I?”

The truth is that there IS a real you inside full of integrity.

Take the journey of self discovery and realize your purpose in life.

Blessings……

Marty

Self Healing - achieving goals with a purpose.

Have you ever experienced that moment of feeling particularly unwell with all the symptoms enhanced? 
Have you then suddenly felt miraculously better the moment you have called your doctor and made an appointment, followed by the symptoms almost disappearing the moment you actually visit the doctor? There's a temptation to "put it on a bit" to justify the reason for calling the doctor in the first place. That "wishful thinking" I suspect can actually make the illness worse, simply by calling it into being.
Generates a bit of guilt doesn't it.




In truth, I believe that the mere action of doing something about it (calling the doctor) triggers our bodies natural response to heal. Somehow, we have some sort of faith that we will be healed because we have apportioned some of the responsibility onto someone else - the doctor.  Without realising it, we have set ourselves a goal - I must call the doctor - followed by actions - making that call. It's a simple and natural process really.


So, why not apply this simple process to the whole of our lives. 


I've been reading so much about this sort of material recently. It really does make sense. There is logic and evidence. This creates the faith to confirm it actually is going to work. 


I have created a screen saver on my PC at work that states "The process of your positive and focused mind provides the success you deserve". 

I didn't see this written anywhere else, I simply thought it up myself. I guess that way, I take ownership of the statement which makes it more believable. It's a goal I've set myself.

If you are looking for healing in your life, whether that be physical healing or simply looking to fix some aspect of your life, visualising and setting a goal for the future, working out the process and believing each stage of the process is achievable, no matter how small, is the way to go. The most important part is to action it. 
Like choosing to call the doctor when you feel particularly unwell (a logical process), that ACTION part is what starts the healing process. Lets face it, it can't be any worse than doing nothing at all. 


Wishing you healing in your life for whatever that may be. 


Marty

Control vs Freedom

"Those who seek to control others have a lack of self control."

This was the answer that came to my mind when someone asked me today why some people are abusively controlling in relationships. 

I followed this up with:

"Live and let live = self respect = confidence = I know who I am = I accept myself"

This all came to my mind in free thought. Analysing it afterwards, I wondered whether it could be described the other way around. i.e. 

"I accept myself = I know who I am......" etc.

Further examination of these thoughts brought back one of my favourite values of balance. Applying this means that there are times when a degree of control is required in a relationship. For instance, a caring parent or adult who seeks to protect a child from hurting themselves. For example, a toddler who is inquisitive in exploring the world around them needs some protection from wandering into a busy road. This would not be unreasonable and is done for correct reasons. As a child grows and learns to understand right from wrong, it would then be ok to gently allow the child to make measured decisions for themselves.

The type of control I'm referring to at the beginning of this blog is when a person who is capable of making decisions is denied this opportunity by another who has an element (perhaps) of distrust in themselves. Or perhaps the controlling person feels the need to inappropriately take responsibility for the actions of the person they are controlling. 

If we are free, then we have freedom to decide for ourselves. If others truly care for us, then they will forgive us for our mistakes. This will help us to learn to forgive ourselves.

As I said, this is all free thinking and I seek some feedback from folk on what I've written here.

With Love

Marty

Looking for a new job?

As we approach the new year, many people seek to re-evaluate "where they are" in their lives. One subject that frequently screams at us is. "Am I in the right job?"
This is a serious subject that needs careful consideration. Ask the question "Am I running away from something?" There may be a life issue that will simply follow you and will not be resolved simply by changing job or career direction. 

Nevertheless, if you choose to seek a new challenge with a new job, then there are some tips here that I'd like to share with you. I have a fare amount of experience in looking for work have been made redundant on many occasions and also running away when things have got a little tough!

• Decide what new job you would like to do. It's important to have direction and to know your destination. If you don't know where you are going, you'll likely end up somewhere you don't want to be!
• Don't pay too much attention to that nagging thought "there are no jobs around". To do that is to give up before you have started. Many jobs are not advertised so use all resources by networking, targeting your C.V./Resume. Speculating to employers.
• If you are actually out of work right now, decide to use your week as a full time or part time job looking for work. That means getting up Monday through Friday and dressing as if you are actually going to work. Imagine yourself to be a businessman seeking to make appointments to sell you product. The product is you. Believe in your product and market it in an eye catching and public way. 
• Decide how many hours each day you are going to dedicate to job seeking. Stick to it! You don't necessarily need to work "overtime". Keep the balance and remember to reward yourself with rest after your effort. 
• If you get an interview, do your homework. Find out as much as possible about your prospective employers. Does the organisation have a website? Look at it and read. Discover their mission statement if they have one and their philosophy.
• Dress appropriately for the interview. Not all jobs require a power suit. So long as you are neat, tidy and clean, that may be enough in some circumstances. 
• Make sure you know the time, place, name of the person to meet, and how you are going to get to the interview. Know where you are going!
• The interview is a 2 way process. You are also the interviewer. You are there to interview them too in order to decide whether this is a job and place you want to work. So don't give away all the power to the interviewer. 
• Remember that you are worthy of the job you are applying for. Why else did you apply? If you think you are not worthy, then you have wasted your time in applying in the first place!

• Use appropriate body language. There are many detailed sources of advice on this subject, but so many people take the advice too literally. So make appropriate eye contact and show appropriate enthusiasm. Essentially, it is important to be yourself. Don't try to be somebody you are not. You'll be found out all too quickly.

These are just some tips. There are many, many more. If you follow these principals, you'll give yourself the best chance possible of finding the job you seek. Believe me, it does work. I've proved it many times for myself.  


A few years ago, I worked for a TV channel about job seeking. It was great fun while it lasted. I got the chance to appear in some promotional ads. See one of the youtube link below. Enjoy! With Marty blessings..

Building self confidence

Confidence for me has soured in the past year. It started and continued to build over time.

I believe this has occurred due to an attitude to my life that I adopted. As I think about this now, I reckon that I subconsciously altered some of the "self talk" that was borne out of my childhood experiences.

My mother (bless her soul) always stated that she did not like show offs... arrogant people. I guess this helped me to form some values. I chose to shrink and hide my abilities for fear of being accused of showing off, ultimately being disliked.
It had a negative effect upon me.

Self Confidence vs Arrogance

You see, I think there is a clear difference here. Self confidence is about being comfortable in our own skin and not being too overly concerned about what others think of us. The reverse of this is the self doubt people have that they feel ashamed of, causing them to puff themselves up to something that they are not.
My mis-understanding of what my mother told me caused me to believe that anyone who exuded confidence was a person of arrogance. I now understand this better.

I've spent most of my working life not fully believing in my abilities. Everything I did, I put a ceiling on. When aspects of my life went well, I felt I did not deserve what was happening and worried about the coming "fall". Effectively, I created the fall and it almost always became a reality!

A broken down car.
Failing an exam.
Losing a job through redundancy.
Numerous other examples that I'm choosing right now not to give my energy to!

Almost a year ago, I came up with a proposal at work and suggested it to my line manager. She said to me "DO IT! DO IT RIGHT NOW!"
This greatly enhanced my motivation.
I showed the wording of the email to my line manager and she praised me on how well it was written.
This encouraged me greatly.
A couple of weeks later, I received a positive response to that email. This excited me. When I told my line manager, she got even more excited than me! I was encouraged to make the subsequent phone call and arrange a meeting.
This empowered me.
I got that project up and running and went on to set up other similar projects. Some weeks later, I received a email of praise from none other than the Chief Executive. From that point onward, I have been given freedom to pursue ideas I've had.
I have been trusted.
I always remember the encouraging words of my line manager. "You are going to FLY Marty. Don't put a ceiling on what you can achieve".

This new found confidence has been attractive to others. In virtually all walks of my life, I've had people come up to me and say "Hi Marty. How are you? You are looking fine." Body language and positive energy has attracted many people toward me.

Sounds great doesn't it! Is it as simple as just thinking positively?

I went through a stage of thinking positively about 10 years ago. It worked for a short while, but I was running away from many issues in my life that needed dealing with. I'd built some confidence, but it was brittle and built on weak foundations. It was all too easy for others to knock down.

1. I had a lack of faith. It's important to establish some core beliefs and values. The confidence of 10 years ago was promoting something I did not really believe in.
2. I gave too much attention to negativity around me. Some of that was family illness. Now it's not wrong care about those we love. However, the care was out of balance and stealing my positive energy. Balance is the key here.
3. The painful experiences of my life were not dealt with. Like the balloon ready to burst, I was full of the negative energy of anger and resentment. This needed dealing with appropriately.

It took about a year ago to finally visit the pain of my past in therapy. The time was right and I was prepared to do whatever it took to tidy the mess of emotions inside me. Once I'd done that, the negativity stopped contaminating the rest of my life!

Now, when I sense negativity around me that is generated by the projection of others, I choose to walk away from it.

I've left organizations that I found contaminated me and stole my positive energy.

I'm beginning to look at every possible challenge as an opportunity!

When something good happens, I choose to accept it and believe that I deserve it.


When composing this blog, I wanted to choose a positive photo or image to put with it. I've added the photo of me because it shows a time a great enjoyment for myself. I'm now playing with a band that I love. The music is great and allows me to be creative rather than be restrictive (i.e. reading music written down).
The happiness in the band is infectious. The band is becoming more and more successful. One of the reasons for this is because we all enjoy what we play. That joy projects to the audience. They want to be part of the positive and exciting energy.

There is a clear truth in The Law of Attraction!

Blessings to you all........ Marty